I'll Never Forget You

This has been my song-on-repeat for the past week. It reminds me of something i recently read, "i listen to this music and it makes my heart smile."

I love it all, her voice, their performance, the lyrics, everything.

"Don't you know that you're my joy, always remember me"

they say

they say:"you never know"

i say: no, you know what? sometimes you do know. and stop using "you never know" as an excuse coz it's just not an excuse. It's not an excuse to believe something that is so far from true it's almost a joke. It's not an excuse you can use to explain why people did what they did or said what they said or say what they say. It's not an excuse to continue prying into what's not for you to pry into. sometimes you do know. and if you think about it, most of the time you do know and you just say you never know to avoid the unfavorable.

i am sick of knowing. i know too much about too many people and i understand some people just too much. and sometimes i feel like i wish i knew nothing. i wish i knew nothing.

they say: "it's not right but it's okay"

i say: no, sometimes it is not okay, not okay at all

crisis mismanagement

Why is it that we love the chance locate, aim, and bark at targets?

When two trains crash into each other, SO many other people are responsible before the big guy on top of the chain of command. Most people who've voiced their opinion so far were requesting the resignation of the Minister of Transportation; i hope they're satisfied now that he's resigned.

The way i see it is this: people appointed to high rank posts are not put there just to make sure the wheel is spinning in the way it should spin. They are there to smoothen the surface on which the wheel is running. They can only do their their best when the surface is not smooth. In real words, ministers are not merely supervisors of an already working system. They are supposed to be the correctors of glitches in the system. A tragic train crash is a major glitch in the system. Therefore, when something like that does happen, the minister should not be pushed to resigning. Him and his whole ministry should be up to their faces in the dirt trying to fix things.

It's the easiest thing in the world to make mistakes and have someone else fix them. I'm not implying the minister is right or wrong here; but we will never find out if he was capable of the job if he isn't given a chance to fix it. The best leaders emerge from problem solving, not from sitting at the sidelines dictating. Be it the transportation minister or any high ranking, low ranking, government, or private employee, people succeed with what they accomplish and their crisis management for crying out loud.

Everyone is normal until they do something extraordinary that makes them stand out, then they do another thing that's extraordinary and that makes them great. Then they do one bad thing (or in this case, they don't do a bad thing but a bad thing happens on their watch) and everyone forgets any good things they've done.

Huffing and Puffing

This week has been one crappy, exhausting day followed by another, and it's only Monday. Anyway, the point of this story is, i was venting to a friend today about how irritated i was and he suggested that i "go out for a smoke." The idea at the time it was proposed seemed almost too tempting. I'm not a smoker but a cigarette, or two or three, would've been the perfect cure for my ailing soul.

Luckily i work at a beautiful setting that almost feels like a mini-break destination on most days. The air is fresh, the scenery is green, and the landscaping is calming. So as soon as i stepped outside i cringed at myself for even entertaining the idea of smoking.

You see, i think smoking is disgusting. It is also unhealthy and blah blah but i don't care much for that. We keep a hundred unhealthy habits so smoking would only be a hundred and one. But it is disgusting in so many other ways. Smell, first and foremost. It is irritating that as a people, Egyptians could be quite negligent of pleasant smells. Smoker don't even notice that they stink most of the time. Seriously no amount of perfume or gum will take out the stink of burnt tobacco. I wouldn't want to walk around like that. I would hate to have the permanent stain of tobacco odor on my clothes. We don't go out dressed in dirty clothes yet we accept being covered in dirty smell.

Smokers cannot function without the pack: they come in a package of person plus box. They're always looking for a lighter, asking for one, or refusing to share one. Smoking starts to control their actions and soon becomes just irritating to everyone else around. For fuck's sake if you forget your pack in the car move your ass and go get it i hate to listen to whining about forgotten packs.

My least favorite is when I'm on the phone with a smoker and they have to stop to huff and puff in mid-sentence. Seriously it annoys the hell out of me because i get confused as to why their suddenly not speaking anymore then i hear the exhale of poison fumes.

Most Girls

"Shorty got a job shorty got a car

Shorty can pay her own rent

don't wanna dance if it is not in my heart"

"Most girls want a man with the mean green

don't wanna dance if he can't be

everything that i dream of"

-- Pink

postsecret realities

a while back i was introduced to PostSecret. If you don't know it, it's "an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a postcard." It's not my story to tell so follow it on http://postsecret.blogspot.com

every once in a while i find a postcard i like or can relate to. I steal the pictures of the blog and save them. i go back and look at them when i need to be reminded of something.

beggin, beggin u

I don't like to 'hate' but for lack a of a better description, i hate the overcrowded, heavily polluted, permanently jammed, repulsively loud, uncomfortably crammed, and uncontrollably irritating corner of Cairo that is Mohandessin. Never ever has my trip there been a good experience.

Today i took a moment to absorb the atmosphere and try to make something of it. I challenged myself to like something. However i was distracted; distracted by the incessant knocking against my car window by women who all look the same trying to sell tissues that all look the same. And out of the car there were older men who also looked the same bluntly asking for money. Now i was frustrated because something very unusual happened today: i left home without my wallet. I literally did not have any money to give them. Beggars popping out on the street filled my pool of thought all the way home.

Beggars are beggars, doesn't matter where they are. Although i dislike the trend, there is one crucial fact that cannot be overlooked: they are poor, i am rich. They are begging to make a living while i glorify my pride. That's that, there is no other way around it. We can make up a million excuses that will keep us from sparing them change, insert the likes of 'teach a man to fish' here. We might not owe them, but we owe humanity the change we give them. I can be honest with myself and admit that no time in the near future am i donating any of my precious spare time to help those in need or to make Cairo a better place. Therefore, i will donate my few pounds or so to the man 40 years my senior asking me for it at a building entrance.

I had another interesting thought that i am now completely convinced of: these beggars are God's small tests to us. He sends them to us everyday to see how we treat them. I am one of those firm believers in the wealth we have not being ours. God gave it and God can take it away. I believe that as long as we are generous in giving it away and sharing it, He will not take it away. The moment we start to become selfish, hoarding all our cash to pay for our every need and want, God will remind us to share. When a beggar approaches, they are not asking for a small fortune, most of the time they are very pleased with a few pounds. I have no idea why we would feel the urge to turn them away. Even if it is an act, who cares? i still feel guilty for being richer than they are and refusing meager help.

I am regretting every beggar i ever turned away, or even worse, every little lie of "i don't have any money" that i told. Today i really had no money and i wanted to give them each a little something. It might not make their lives any better but at least it will pay some for their hours of wandering in sagging, dirty clothes while i sit comfortably in my car with my ipod pleasantly on shuffle.

for love of the game

Last night i finally hit the tennis courts again. Bliss, sweaty, tiring, bliss. Im no pro but i really do lose myself in the game. I adore my coach. And for exactly one hour, it's just us and the ball and the swinging and hitting.

People have different indulgences, like fishing or golf or something gay like that. I see sports in general as an indispensable release of energy. No wonder an adrenaline rush feels so great. But tennis, especially where i play, is so much more than a game, energy release, adrenaline source, or even exercise. It is a passion, it a moment when all i care about in life ca be defined so closely as the ball landing on the inside of the line after a smash that sends it like a bullet.

But this point isn't about my tennis skills, it's about my tennis pride and dreams. I happened to have the time slot right after my dad and his friends' game. My dad is so awesome in his consistency and commitment to the game through the years. So just as they were finishing up, i was warming up. I hadn't played in over three months but the will to impress gave my skill a boost. He sat court-side and watched me play. I wanted to impress him so bad; especially that the tennis courts at the club are our home away from home and everyone knows everyone. Everyone watching or playing knew who he was and knew that i was his daughter.

For the time he was watching, i really gave a 110% of myself. I was tired as hell, having been a lazy ass for a while, but it was worth it. It was more than worth it when i played a really good few shots, scoring a few against my coach, and my dad actually cheered out and called my name and called great play. I tell you it felt like graduation, like a championship, like winning race, like something that makes you so damn proud.

I didn't even care that my wrist was badly strained, my shoulders hurt and my arms feel like spaghetti now.

I have many dreams, many of them simple, all of them huge. I dream to become my dad's tennis partner. I strive to train to be at his level. I want to compete against others alongside him and beat their asses on the court.

Ego Restoration

I don't know who to blame it on: myself, our society, my parents, my schooling, or just basic socialization, but i have a giant size ego. Mega-ego. Most days it is subtle, and only those who really know me know of it.

I like having such an ego, i think it's a good thing. I don't mean ego as in mere overconfidence, but in knowing your worth. Self awareness of value. High self esteem. There are a dozen things i can call it but ego fits best.

Now sometimes things happen that bruise our egos. These things might not necessarily be a burst in a balloon, but they are bruises. It makes me question my self value. For a while i had thought that maybe i gave myself too much credit. Maybe I'm not all that great. Maybe I con myself into thinking i am what i am not. Not true; in fact it proved to be very very wrong.

I'll tell you one more thing, the biggest hurt is a hurt to my ego.

You can run me over physically, psychologically, emotionally, it won't matter half as much as a blow to my self image. That makes me question my own honesty, not anyone else's. I grew up with a divine father who taught me all we are is what we create of ourselves. Now when that image of ourselves is scratched, the whole world turns upside down. And turning it back takes a hell load of effort, because you have to build yourself again.

So while i worked hard to make something of myself again, i was oblivious to changes around me. I was so caught up in "Mona" and what mona is and what mona wants to be that i noticed the changing mona but didn't notice the changing world. Picture this, if you're in a race running alongside competitors, you can compare your progresses. But if you isolate you efforts, you might just run so ahead of everyone else in the world, completely exhausting yourself, while you could've done just fine with half the effort.

When you take a moment just to look at how the world's been since, and you find yourself more ahead than you thought you were, this is a great moment. This is the moment of Ego Restoration. When you realize everything you've made of yourself is so true, so real, and not even the slightest exaggerations exist. It is when you get your ego back, and realize that your ego was the biggest thing you ever lost, and you vow to never lose it or allow it to be bruised again.

Gleeful Glee

If i could go back to high school i would start a Glee club. This particular song mash up has become a favorite. a thousand times repeated, i am very much influenced by what i listened to. and most of the time, if i can't find words, i can find the lyrics that say exactly what i want to say.

This one is an all time favorite

"This ain't a song for the broken hearted

no silent prayer for the faith departed,

i ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd you're gonna hear my voice when i shout it out loud,

it's my life, it's now or never, i ain't gonna live forever, i just wanna live while im alive,

my heart is like an open highway,

...

Better stand tall when they're calling you out don't bend, don't break, baby don't back down"

Confessions doesn't really relate in any way, it just sounds really good in there.

working with women

I'm starting to hate working with women. Sadly, it is true what guys say/think: women spend too much time on emotion and that lingers our work schedule.

Example: a few hours ago things were very hectic at work. I was running around from place to place trying to get things done before our short day ends. I walk out of my office to and find a support-staff employee in tears right outside. Now this particular one is one of my favorites, she's great at what she does, she wants to learn, and she learns quickly. Anyway, she was crying. I stopped for a moment, asked what's wrong, i didn't get an answer, i walked away.

Then just for a minute i felt guilty for walking away. i thought that i should've let her in and tried to make her feel better. But the minute passed and i didn't feel guilty anymore.

I'll say what is always said: We're running a business here. We all have our sensitivities and there are days when i want to cry and receive a hug so i can go back to work. But this isn't the way work works.

You see, when i asked her, "what's wrong?" she should have told me and not just waited for me to pry. You don't wanna say, fine, i don't have the time for this. Of course i could have wasted a minute or two, but i just didn't want to. I am growing in belief that women seriously need to toughen up. It turned out she was in tears because our Big Guy gave her a few harsh words, in a loud voice. If anything i think she was in shock. But i say, if you want to be taken seriously you will have to accept the ups and the downs of the workplace. It is not all applause and a problem or two to solve and a task or two to complete. The office can be a very rough place sometimes, very rough. And we females gotta 'man up' for it.

I want to go places, i have a plan. I am not about to let some emotion come in the way of that. And no female should either. They speak of gender equality bullshit, when was the last time you saw a man in tears at work?

A few weeks ago i was in my brother/boss' office and he was venting out on me, "I'm sick of working with women!" Right now, i totally get what he means.

turns of fate

im breaking a record here: third post today!

i LOVE LOVE LOVE it when im having an ugh-moment and then something so miraculously occurs that flips the whole word upside down inside out and any other ways there are to flip!

good news this late night. no suspense intended here im merely writing to express gratitude of changes in events. Things that had never been possible now are very much possible.

im definitely looking forward to the next couple of months!!!

looking back on failure

Ok.. here goes nothing. Remember when i wrote about not knowing how much to reveal on here? This is one of the times you will see some deep honesty. Slightly humiliating too but, hey, we all need to vent. Plus my good friend and blogging mentor just posted something deep and intense so im in that kinda mood. This is so childish, such a long time ago, i was only a kid.

Im going to write a letter

Dear You,

It's been so long. SO long. Seriously i don't even remember much about you. not true, i remember a lot about you i just don't remember a lot about how we used to be. you were out of my life for good. you moved on with yours and i hung there for a while but a long time ago i moved on too and i've had a blast. Of course there had been the occasional phone call, greeting, or even chance encounter. It's all been pleasant. Im sorry i didn't go to your wedding. I really am, i wanted to go but i chickened out. Everything was fine. but then you added me on facebook a few weeks ago. i don't like seeing you online, i always see you online. It's not that i don't like you you know i do.

It's because you remind me of my failures. You remind me of my every fault. You remind me of how much i am able to give, and receive nothing in return. If anything i should have learned from you. I didn't. It's been so hard not to same the same mistake again. I slipped once, i fell for someone. But it was only once and its not happening again. i swear on my own life it's not happening again. You planted an idea in my head years ago that if i was gonna be with anyone it would be perfect or nothing at all. i still choose nothing at all. every single guy i meet my mind alerts to that mistake. I let many things pass because i was scared. You know how they say that guys are like trains, you miss one and another comes after five minutes? I've been missing all the trains.

Im not complaining here, i can say with confidence that i do come close to having it all. close, but not there yet. But i did fail once, then twice. and YOU remind me of that. I hate myself for being weak and i've vowed to change, and it really is happening.

Sincerely,

Me

Are We Human?

"Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye
Wish me well..
You've gotta let me go"
--Human by The Killers

Admit it, as an adult, how many times have you had the thought, "why can't people just be nice to each other and we all get along?" Because in the adult world, the getting-along ceases to exist. It's always a struggle, major or minor it is and it it will always be a struggle. We grow up with the ideas of life getting easier and are bitten in the ass by the truth that it doesn't.

Cue in a major decision each and every one of us has to take: stick to naivety or toughen up. Many, I assume, make the decision subconsciously. We find our attitudes changing, closely followed by our behavior. More and more we change to counter the bombshells thrown at us by unforgiving circumstances. As we change, we forget how we used to be. Then we remember. When I remember i am forced again to make the choice whether to live in peace, allowing others to overpower me, or to join the struggle. And in joining the struggle you do get more, but you also lose more of yourself.

Im talking about the little things as well as the big things. Like do you lose your temper with people who deserve it or do you smile and hold it in? Do we take revenge on those who did us wrong or do we forgive and forget? Do we seriously hurt people who deserve it? Or those who don't? These ideas are coming from work, but they can be applied to all sorts of relationships in our lives. How long can we defend the concept of unconditional love? I'll tell you something, I stopped defending it. If unconditional love really exists it'll defend itself. But it never comes through, does it?

I quoted the above lyrics because they embrace the meaning of growing up. Im not saying there is no grace or virtue, but they no longer stand on their own. There's a price for everything and an opportunity cost as well. We are idiotic to assume that grace is only grace and it will always be there. It won't. And we gotta live with the fact and learn to accept it.

For the sake of lightheartedness i'll post the song and if anyone actually reads this they can enjoy the music.

bit of nostalgia

recently i've taken up staying up late to watch episodes of my favorite shows, some of which i download and more of which i rip off Eurekaisms. She got me hooked on Glee. If you don't watch it you should. It's so childishly silly, uplifting, colorifying (i just made up that word coz it describes what i mean), and overall happy. It'll definitely get you singing along. I've gone as far as tracking down and downloading the songs as performed by the Glee cast.

It and a bunch of other shows and movies (ex. i just watched 17 Again a few days ago) has definitely got me missing high school. I had a blast in high school. I never really had the 'omg im graduating im gonna miss this i don't wanna grow up and leave school' drama. it's not that it's dawning upon me now, i just miss it a bit. I miss that our biggest worry was the halloween dance turnout.

Excuse my AIS lingo here if u didn't go to school with me... i miss how we preferred green area dances to the auditorium ones. i miss how we had to have bathroom passes. i miss hearing dr. horton's heels in the highway (this one goes way back). i miss cheering for the panthers, there's one particular chant thats been in my head for two days

one, we are the panthers

two, a lil bit louder

three, come on lets hear it

four, more more more more

(or something like that)

i miss the funky chicken. i miss Mr. Paulson and Mr. Green. I MISS MUN TERRIBLY. i miss the art rooms. i miss struggling to memorize a locker combination. i miss mrs. nawara in the cafeteria. i miss SimCity. i miss being able to get out of bed at 7:00am. i miss the tired passing out during the car ride at 3:00. i miss the weekly announcements sheet. i miss dress up days, especially spirit week. i miss taking the first look at new students guessing which group they'll fit with. i miss the moment the seniors finished exams, and we the juniors became the seniors. i miss when classes, and everything else, were decided for you and all you had to do is follow the rules and you would end up just fine.

a shout out

To anyone who bitched about me

to anyone who lied to me

to anyone who used me

to anyone who abused me

to anyone who took me for granted

to anyone who wasn't there when i needed them

to anyone who led me on

to anyone who disrespected me

to anyone who tried to change me

to anyone who put me down

to anyone who tried to break my spirit

congratulations, you win

i hope you enjoy your victory and drown in it knowing that you have killed something beautiful.

where i wanna go, i don't need you. i've made it this far i'll make it further watch me belittle your victory because it means nothing. you all insisted on your way, now you can have it. now you can really have it

roadside rhyming

i made a new friend today. on the roadside. on the damned suez road

here's what happened, in rhyme:

i was driving to work

and my mind was elsewhere like a jerk

listening to my music and looking straight ahead

what lay low on the ground could've left me dead

a water puddle i drove into

splashed water on the truck driver next to me

and soaked him and his passenger all the way through

i turned right to apologize

and while i did i failed to realize

that a stone lay ahead in the middle of the road

it tore my wheel apart and the air out of it flowed

i had to pull over to the side

all while i cursed and sighed

over my morning misfortune

and the interruption of my ride

a few seconds later another car joined me

a few meters behind she pulled over too

the stone had also damaged her tire to a bad degree

within a few minutes we'd become friends

we chatted away

about roadside mishap trends

shortly after her ride was fixed mine was replaced

and we had to part the friendship that was so randomly placed

as i drove away i went back to my life and she went to hers

but i wasn't upset at the incident

for a blown tire resulted in a pleasant encounter that so rarely occurs

there is no lesson here nor exciting ending

but I'm so subtly just recommending

that the next time you have roadside trouble

try to make something good come from it

even a short lived friendship might put you in a happy bubble

"I'm not single, I'm busy"

today i got asked THE question

conversation starts with me bitching about something or another, all work related, and sounding like an over-experienced, over-exposed, and slightly bitter male over 40.

Coworker: personal question, are you single?

pause

Me: are you asking because I'm harsh?

Coworker: no no I'm just asking

Me: Yeah i am

Coworker: Why?

another pause

Me: because i haven't found a reason to not be single. i know exactly what i want and i haven't found it yet. being with someone means sacrificing a lot and i don't know how much I'm ready to sacrifice and if whoever it will be is worth it (insert some babbling i forgot here). i have dreams, i know where i want to go and i barely have time to do what i need to do to get there; i can't fit anyone or anything else in.

now the rest of this i didn't say then and there but I'm saying it now. Im single because i think I'm still young enough to be picky. and i'll always be too ambitious to let social pressure drive me to do something that i don't absolutely want to do, or be with someone i don't absolutely want to be with. I am lucky enough to have almost zero experience, and its a good thing for i am unscarred and unspoiled. Throwing that away just because someone is pressuring me is the stupidest thing in the world, for lack of more fitting words.

I haven't found someone perfect. Once or twice i thought i had, but we grow and we learn. We learn to appreciate what we have and to appreciate what we don't have. My best friend was just telling me "we're growing beautifully" and i completely agree. I am single because i haven't found that someone to make this interruption to my ambition and insistence on perfection worthwhile. I am single because i haven't been swept off my feet yet. I am single because everything so far has been a lousy disappointment. I am single because I'm not willing to waste any more precious time. I am too busy to waste time. Therefore, i am not single, I'm busy.

one tough act to follow

"and i know some shit's so hard to swallow

but i can't just sit back and wallow

in my own sorrow, but i know one fact

i'll be one tough act to follow

one tough act to follow

i'll be one tough act to follow"

--Beautiful by Eminem