Gaming

"The chase is better than the catch" or isn't it?

After a year like 2009, i'd definitely say that the chase is way better than the catch. We might not admit it- or maybe I might not admit it- but we're always chasing something. In most cases, the chase is long, exhausting, exciting, sometimes disappointing, but always, always rewarding in some sense.

In business, we chase targets. The lessons learned in that chase are the driving force behind any success. What we learn on the way is what we use to get even further ahead; not what we learn once we achieve what we set out to. For example, we had a "mission" at work this year, after many long months of planning, theorizing, spending, struggling, fighting, advocating, and all things exhausting, we lost. We could not achieve what we were set out to create. We didn't lose because we didn't try hard enough, we tried more than hard enough. But what we, or at least I, learned SO much. When i look back, i can confidently say that the gain from the chase almost weighed out that the loss from the (non) catch.

In life, we chase everything. Depending on you you are, the ride can definitely be as good as, if not better, than the destination. For example, a few months back my best friend and i were going to some out-of-the-way party (very unusual for us). We spent three hours in the car that night looking for the place we were supposed to be and never found it. At one point getting lost turned hilarious and the whole night was wasted laughing insanely in the car. Does that illustrate my point? I doubt we would have had as many laughs if we had made it. Or maybe we would have, i don't know, but the point here is the chase was good.

In relationships, do we really need to go over that? I'd have to hand it to Sophie Ellis Bextor's very wise lyrics, "Magic stays when myth remains" and leave it at that. Once the myth is unraveled, the magic dissolves.

Anyway, as always, these are just my thoughts and i have no idea where I'm going with this. I'm just trying to say enjoy the chase. It might be as good as it gets, and if that is so, a good chase is great.

Radiate like Serena

I've never been a girly-girl, and i don't intend to change that. Through the years, family and friends constantly tried turning me into one. From makeup gifts, to closet suggestions, to attempted makeovers, none have ever succeeded.

Until recently.

Not a friend, nor even a real person for that matter, but the one person who's had an affect on me in that sense is non other than Gossip Girl's Serena Van Der Woodsen, aka Blake Lively. But my influence has been the Serena not the Blake.

Here are some of the things Serena taught me, just some.

White highlighting of the eyes is even prettier that black lining

A (very) low cut neckline doesn't have to look slutty

You can wear a dress pretty much anywhere

The form of a girl's hair is number one and ten. There is no such thing as a bad hair day; you wash it and start over

Spending a small fortune every week or so is more than worth it , even on already pretty hair

You wear the colors that suit you, not the colors you like

It's okay if you can't pull of daring lipstick; subtle colors are even prettier

Hair must shine

There is a right way to do layers; clothes are worn, not stacked

A genuine happy smile makes or breaks your whole look

... some illustration to my points. Even though i might never be as pretty or radiant as Serena Van Der Woodsen, I promise to always take direction

Feels like saving the world

Some things DO make you feel so good, it feels like you're really saving the world :)

TURN IT UP and smile and laugh and think about all the great things in your life, about the things so good you can't stop smiling at, the things so great they make you feel like saving the world, think about saving your world

2010 will be better

Normally i dislike year-end serenades, but 2009 was too loud to be ignored. It will for a long time be remembered as Year of the Crap. While the use of "crap" seems casual here, the word is handpicked (eww). But the point is, i call it crap because some of what 2009 threw at us was horrible, some was atrocious, but everything was survivable. It happened, it was bad, we moved on. A line from some pop song is stuck in my head, it goes "you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be," i'll take that as the theme to this post.

The Dirt:

Pain

Dealing with disease can be excruciating, especially when you're not the one in suffering. This year came in abundance of nursing. The hardest part of it is not the constant attention, but watching someone you love more than anything else in pain and not being able to do a thing. Nothing but time would make it better so you have to wait, and listen and comfort. And damn the year away under your breath.

Trust

We all chirp our lives away comfortably knowing that if we stumble, we have a wall to lean back against. When that wall proves itself see through to the point of non-existence, you fall flat on your ass. When you do fall, if you are me, you get back up. And then you curse the wall. You lose control and you condemn the wall that against a little weight turned into a crumbly corn flake. But it still called itself a wall. You learn not to trust the wall anymore, and not depend on it for leaning. What's a world with one less wall that 2009 took away?

Giving up

This was also the year of changing relationships. Or maybe the year of changing your attitude towards certain relationships. It is the year we threw our hands up in despair, succumbing to if people don't care about the consequences of their own actions, why should we? It is the year we watched disaster, and tried to stop it, couldn't, so then did nothing.

Want

Although begun before, 2009 was the year of solidified that we don't get everything we want. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, sometimes for reasons good enough, but also sometimes for reasons so good you can't help but to agree, and then to promote, and then to believe. But it will always be remembered as the year i stopped wanting what i wanted just because i couldn't have it.

Crisis

You cannot write even one sentence about 2009 without mentioning the escalation of the global financial crises. Let's just say that to the average person typing this, the crisis doesn't mean shit, except when you heard of your friend of got laid off because of the crisis. Or when a business deal you worked so hard to make real gets shut down because of the crisis. Or when after so many such incidents, it really becomes, to the bystander, a crisis; and then none of us are bystanders anymore.

Turbulence

With what started as a virus, the introduction of swine flu early on in the year was the start of a roller coaster than wouldn't end, halting every now and then. Most people just worried about catching the flu. Others (read: myself and my field of work) dreaded the virus not because it was fatal, but because every time it struck, the immediate future of our business became stalled. Ours was the only field that shut down and reopened and shut down and reopened again. Ours was the only field that could not decide on its schedule by itself; who had to wait for orders on whether to work or to wait while someone sneezed their way through a box of Tamiflu. It became frustrating only when you realized that those controlling you were no smarter or more organized than you were. They were in a mess, and made you stop your life and your livelihood while they figured the simplest way to get their ass out of their head.

Death

The most painful event of the wretched 2009. This year, death struck very close to home. So close you could draw the details of pain of loss it leaves behind. So real that you could feel the pain of tears in your head and in your heart. So sudden that you take a moment every moment to register what just happened. So sad that you don't want to write about it anymore. Because writing revives the memory of miserable days and nights that were never even forgotten for one day since.

The Flowers:

If after a year like this, you insist of being happy, you let go of absolutely everything but your optimism, you know 2010 will be better

If after a year like this, all the shitness that took place only proved your theories right, and friends who made fun of you now give you the right of having been right, you know you had your head in the right place and that 2010 will be better.

If after a year like this you have made peace with certain realities: like the inevitability of disease and death, the reliability of depending on yourself, the satisfaction that comes with trusting your instincts, even if you lose in the end, and the acceptance of how people change and change back (or not), you really should know that 2010 will be better.

In 2010 everything will be better.

Tales of Singledom, Chapter 57

There's a someone for everyone, isn't there?

I was asked a very tough question today, what do i want? i was asked by more than one person, so i decided its definitely a question worth answering. I thought hard and came up with short but precise answers. I want someone thats mine. That's it. Someone who's fills up my head with good and bad thoughts and wonders and conversation reminisces and what if scenarios and where he is now and whether he'd like this or that.

Thinking about all this i was led to think about what i don't want. And why im single. And here are the reasons, personified. Let's go through all the guys that have ever been of remote involvement in my single life. Take it as a review, a look back on failures, or plain whiny noise from a perfectly healthy 24 year who (almost) has it all. It's a pretty short list so don't get excited.

1. The best friend who got to close: no explanation necessary as "best" and "friend" usually don't go well together. Also, i was very young and naive and more optimistic than ever. Now married.

2. The fantasy, who could've been mine given we were in a different place, as different people, and maybe i would've been a bit older. This is one was simplicity of perfection personified. Something that's so easy and comfortable yet fantastical all at the same time. Also now married

3. The weird duckling: seriously there's nothing to say about this one other than he was a useless occupation of airspace. The type that woke up to go to work two hours early to do nothing; i don't even know if there is such a type or if he was the only freak like that. don't get the wrong idea, this was one of the ones forced upon me.

4. The right guy at the wrong time: a clone of what i want. but i'll have to look for elsewhere; slightly unsure commitment-phobic sort of. Maybe in some other lifetime.

5. The great-for-one-night guy: who was so great then suddenly an inactive bore. This one was the right age, the right looks, the right friends, but very much the wrong person. Let's just say i dislike boring people and will exert no effort in attempt to liven them up.

6. The get-me-married freak. The one guy i ever met who's the exact opposite of a commitment phobic, who wanted to get married so fast you makes you run in the arms of singledom and refuse to let it up. there's so much to write about this one but i do still have minimal respect for privacy and would rather not diss anyone on the internet.

7. Finally, the big finale. The most recent in a short line, and the biggest surprise of all. He was perfect. Young, healthy, gorgeous, successful, good to talk to, funny, smart, insightful, gentleman, responsible, religious, well dressed, unique in his interests, which was a good break from the usuals we see. He's the kind to remember what exam you had and called later to ask how you did. The kind that was always more interested in your story than his (which is great for a self-centered chatterbox like myself). He was also the kind to make you feel pretty, and compliment both your looks and your brains. moving on, he was cultured. Flag: im pretty sure he's gay.

There you have it, the last one says it all. Perfect guys are, if not committed, gay.

No that's not true but now, tonight, that's what it seems like. It seems like im looking for something almost too easy to be found, that it has become rare. Im looking for someone to make me happy, just plain happy. Someone to make me smile that irresistible smile which my best friend's mom points out in two seconds and asks who im seeing.

hairspray happinness

I bought wave-enhancing hairspray at Victoria's Secret this summer. Every time i use it it reminds me of the most amazing week of the entire crappy year. Its smell resembles the better life out there. The way it lifts my hair resembles the ways my spirit can be lifted.

i love things that remind you of things you love. I bought it on a really good day. We were out for breakfast at Jack and Jill's. I loved Jack and Jill's so much i never deleted its address from my phone's memo pad. sometimes i cling on the stupid things that make me happy.

Assassin too

"i was a killer, was the best they'd ever seen

i'd steal you heart before you ever heard a thing

I'm an assassin and i had a job to do

Little did i know that girl was an assassin too"

I'm sorry Hossam

This morning i was playing tennis, like every monday morning. there was a ball boy picking up my stray balls; just one more of the random boys whose face i can't put a name to. This one was Hossam; he looked about 11 or so. Cute kid, with an almost pretty face, the kind who drifts off in his own world and snaps back to reality at the call of his name.

Anyway Hossam was a cute kid but not the best ball boy. He was a bit slow in returning balls to my ever-energetic coach. At one point he was at the net with his back to me, and i was too caught up to notice him as i smashed a return ball across the net. It hit him in the back of his head. It smashed into his skull taking him by surprise. He put his hand on his head for three seconds then he went right back to work.

I, however, had started apologizing and could not stop. I kept repeating that i was sorry and if he was okay over and over again till my coach started laughing and blurted the words that inspired this post, "Mona, it's okay he's fine he can take it."

I feel like a rich, horrible, spoiled brat writing this. Why was he okay?! if it were me that was hit by that same ball i would've have screamed out in pain and given hell to whoever hit me. Hossam didn't though. it angered me that he seemed fine, almost used to getting hit in the head with a ball. Why should he endure the pain? or maybe it isn't painful to him.

i don't know im just very angry and confused. Im angry at myself for hurting a poor little kid and angry at the kid for not being more angry with me and angry at the world because im rich and can get away with anything and he's poor and has to shut up in order to keep his job.

it made me feel like getting injured and shutting up about it came with the job. Its bad enough that he's working for a living at this age. it's the humiliation of getting hit and that event passing by ever so 'normally' pisses me off. I could swear after seeing the ball collide with his skull i got a headache in the same spot on my own head. That made me feel like even more of a rich bitch.

the right kind of wrong

This is another post about guys, if you don't want it, stop reading now.

We meet different guys all the time. and guys meet different girls too. we're all so unique. there are short guys tall guys skinny guys fat guys dumbass guys smart guys conceited guys intellectual guys hot guys dorky guys sleazy guys foreign guys, the list is endless. The choices are too many. But there are always the bad guys, you cannot overlook the bad guys.

Today i met one of the bad guys. He's the kind that's bad news from day one. He's the one that will only take you on a ride and leave you the middle of nowhere wondering how the fuck you got there. He's the kind that will give you one wrong glance, and it will seem very right. He's the kind that will follow you around subtly. Very subtly. He's the one that will surprise you with whatever comes out of his mouth, you never know what he'll say next. He's the kind that will ask you a question and you can't answer because you're mentally drooling over everything about him. He's the kind that will talk to you for five minutes then leave you with a smile plastered over your face for the rest of the day. He's the kind you can't wait to meet again but you know nothing good will come of meeting again. He's the kind that will be with a different girl every time you see him, each girl hotter than the one before. He's the kind that's everywhere but can never be found when you're looking for him. He's the one that'll make you feel glamorous, not pretty, glamorous. He's the one that will put you in long lasting emotional high.

He's the right kind of wrong. He's the very right kind of the very wrong

Stephanie

Not many know Stephanie. Stephanie is a pseudonym

Stephanie is very special. She is the vision of happiness

She is the truth in every hard-to-resist smile. She is genuine purity of the content. She is content

Stephanie has the time of her life. Stephanie is only surrounded by happy people. Stephanie is grateful for everything she has.

Stephanie is ambitious. She knows that every bump on the road is a minor delay. She loves and lives for the road, not caring about the destination.

Stephanie is sunshine

Stephanie is loud laughter

Stephanie is all sunglasses and glossy hair

Stephanie is music and dancing in the car

Stephanie is music

Stephanie dreams big. She has ways and means.

Stephanie was almost lost. She keeps getting almost lost over and over again. But she also keeps getting found. She is found in the moments that faith starts to creep away. These moments are cruel. They threaten everything Stephanie lives to prove. When faith starts to fade away so does Stephanie. But there's always a relapse when Stephanie comes back into the heart beating and thrashing like the resistance that won't go away.

And thank God for that relapse. Thank God for the fighting soul of Stephanie that continues to fight, refuses to settle, and is always right.

Stephanie is for now and Stephanie is forever

opportunity cost

Tonight a lot of my friends are going to some fashion show event. I was going. I am in the mood to dress up and talk to a lot of people. So it would have been perfect.

But i didn't go because i have class. Ironically, it's an economics class, so talk about opportunity cost. I chose to go back to school for a master's degree. I chose to be here and i love it. But on nights like this i can't help but to think why the hell i do what i do.

I've had a full day of work, a prolonged advising session, a research session, and now class. I want to go home shower and change and be pretty and go out.

Im not complaining but it's times like this that remind me that nothing comes free. We may want it all but we can't have it. We're lucky to have most of it though.

This is where the stuff we hear and read comes true, like "you gotta set your priorities straight."

I don't have much experience in anything, but this i can say out of experience: make your own choices and make sure you are at peace with them. Whatever it is we choose to do, we'll be missing out on something else. Make those choices so that what you're missing out on is less appealing than what you are doing.

moving homes and lives

Ignited by family talks, thoughts of moving are filling up my head. I get exhausted at the simplest notion of emptying out a closet. Drawers are a mess on a completely different level.

Anyway, you get the picture of what i'm trying to say. This post isn't another whiny bitchy piece that revolves around me, for a change. But i do want to point out a fact: unless you're are moving homes around the some 20-kilometer radius, you are also moving lives.

Suppose that it does happen, one does move out of the ancient Heliopolis surroundings and into the vast desert. Where high walls separate sand from greenery. Where privacy is so private you don't know your neighbors' names. Where a trip to the supermarket is a car ride and no longer a pleasant three minute walk. Where there are accidents on the road due to heavy speed bumps and a few poorly lit kilometers. Where Zamalek is so far away from.

But some fresh air every morning would be nice. The trek back from work would be cut from an hour in heavy traffic to about a two minute walk.

But you then become new to everything. New surroundings take over your life. Like walking into the pharmacy and having to look at where they put the stuff you buy. Like ordering in pizza and having to give the delivery service a different address. Where the comfort of an entire city and its service are more than a few blocks away. It's not easy to become accustomed to everything so different when you are used to having everything so much the same. Introducing yourself to people who are supposed to have known you since you were a kid is strange.

four hard words

Four of the hardest words to say are "i told you so"

Sometimes you see someone doing something so idiotic, and you warn them over and over and they don't listen. And you become a little bit selfish so badly wanting to prove yourself right. But when the shit hits the fan, you can't bring yourself to say those four words. You can only stand there and be there for them and try to shut up and just listen. Sometimes the hurt that would come from an "i told you so" is more than the satisfaction of saying it.

Anyway I'm just saying.

Before you tell someone your next "i told you so" think if it's really worth it to rub it in their face. And if their already sore face can take any more rubbing

avoiding the easy way out

If you're as single as i am, you've probably thought about this a thousand times. How convenient would it be to have someone to go see the random movie with? someone who always has a minute for you, who's on speed dial that you actually use, that you can make three second calls to a hundred times a day. Someone who worries about you, just you.

Im blessed with wonderful friends and family who do all that. But they care love and worry about me amidst a whole tight circle of others. Their attention is not just mine.

Sometimes i entertain the thought of taking the easy way out. Just say yes to the random friend, aunt, friend's mother in law, neighbor's aunt who thinks she knows someone that would be a perfect match for me. We would both be from polite, well educated families. We would both spend summers on the coast. We would both work with our families and in the weekends join friends at expensive restaurants. We would both have had our share of traditional world travel. We would have a perfectly elegant engagement party then start planning for a traditional wedding the the Four Seasons Nile Plaza.

I entertain the thought for one day, max, then i barf at it. I know its disgusting to say barf but the thought itself is disgusting.

While venting all this out to a friend, he came up with a very important boost to my ego, "Mona, you have incredible positive energy, its very noticeable about you, don't lose that." Those might not have been the exact words, but the context was the same. And you know what? i DO have too much positive energy to waste that one someone who is just "convenient"

I believe in the dream, i want to fairy tale. And my biggest flaw probably is that i KNOW i WILL get the fairy tale. I just know. i have no idea how, when, or most importantly who, but it's all gonna come. Sometimes i get tired of waiting for it or seeking it. But my fairy tale is gonna be worth it.

I will have someone to share the world with. I don't like sharing but i will want to share. I'll have someone who wants travel with me. Who's so full of ambition, who's gonna be a star someday. I want someone who believes in me. Who believes in our youths and all what we could do with it. I am not planning to give up anything or substitute even an inch of the perfectness i want. I want someone so full of faults, so imperfectly perfect for me.

I'll get it i know, sometimes waiting is hard. But i believe in rewards. Even if i don't get it, im still growing beautifully and having a blast doing that. It's gotta be worth the interruption and i know it will be.