dread

i would say that among the top ten, or twenty, worst feelings is dread. Especially when it is something you have to say or do and you know exactly what your words or actions will result in and what you'll have to do to fix it and how hard and exhausting it is all going to be. And it is really bad when you know there's no way around it and no one else to make carry the blame, no scapegoat but yourself.

It's those couple of hours before a meeting, a confession or a confrontation. It's the queasy feelings of the insides and the tension that builds up in the nerves. It's wanting a bad thing to happen just so it could pass and be history.

It's finding the exact words to sugarcoat then finding their opposites to give it straight. It's the mental struggle to use a carrot or a stick. It's the good cop/bad cop role played at the same time. It is the compassion you feel but the firmness you display.

It is all of that compressed into one short meeting, sit down, and then it passes. And the relief felt afterwords puts you on a high.

I would say, start every work day with a bad meeting, so when it's over, you get to have a great working day. Because everything else is good once the dread is gone and you can breathe.

time is no healer

i don't know where it came from, but the number of times i've read or heard that "time is a healer" made me believe it for so many years.

I was gullible enough to blindly believe that time always fixes things and things get better in time. that is true for some part. but time can do a lot of damage too.

when i was a kid my mom taught me to take care of problems right away. coz some problems only get bigger when not addressed. i should've listened, everyone should've listened.

as i grew older i made too many mistakes that i thought time would fix. Time didn't fix shit. as i try to sound reflective in writing this, i can honestly say that dozens of opportunities were missed and more relationships went sour and contacts lost touch with and misunderstandings not cleared up. All of that was my job to do, not time's.

even those i let off the hook, thinking that time will take my revenge for me, went unpunished.

time fixes some things, not everything. time isn't a healer. time is just time. as it passes things happen or they don't but it has nothing to do with time healing anything.

yes, anger fades with time, compassion gets boring or grows with time, friends become boring or thrive with time, relationships build or break, and so on. but it is not time's doing, that's all i'm trying to say here.

time passing by can mess up things pretty bad. an overdue apology is no good after time has passed. i'm just saying.

almost movie moment

so today i was in my army-like workout outfit at the gym, all with the gloves ipod arm strap, long ponytail, the whole show. Two minutes after i walked into the gym, i spot the one guy my entire high school female population crushed on for so many years. Said guy was looking as gorgeous as ever. i watched from a distance until i felt like a creepy stalker and had to stop staring.

aaaanyway, shortly thereafter our paths crossed. and that was [supposed to be] my movie moment.

i flung the ponytail ever so dramatically, getting ready to look up and smile and give a casual hello and act like my nerves weren't in shock and my heart wasn't skipping several beats. i could swear background, hollywood movie type music was a soundtrack playing in the background. everyone else seemed to disappear. i got dreamy like a teenage girl.

Right then, just as if on cue, some overdressed, over made-up, clumsy idiot banged her right dumbbell on my left shoulder. My moment was gone. I screamed in pain while she apologized at a million words per second rate. When the shock of the pain was gone, so was he. So much for my movie moment. Maybe next time, if i don't act like such a teenager, i'll learn to lookout for idiots playing with heavy dumbbells.

touching stoves twice

A girl is the only being capable of seeing a bad decision in clear vision and heading straight for it. We just don't learn. We're the creatures that have to touch the stove twice and thrice to learn that it's damn hot. We're a cartoon character that climbs to the top of the ladder to fall down, get back up and start scurrying toward the top again.

And most of the time, we know the exact outcome. We know why decisions are bad and we still choose to dive in. I've been trying to understand this complex concept and decision making routine but i've almost given up. Why do girls think in the way they do? We do we give the same models different tries?

Einstein (i think) once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results. Im pretty sure this implies most people are insane. Lacking in sanity.

To exemplify, a couple of years back i did something that i cursed till very recently. I made a bad decision and i learned a lot from it, a whole lot. We all get scars and burns and they take their time to heal. Going back to the stove metaphor, when the stove burns you, you eventually heal. Then, in my case, you go right ahead and touch a different stove.

This time, i'm taking a moment to think about touching the stove. But i know that the moment will end and i will reach out with my stupid, newly healed hand and touch the damn stove. And within a few months i'll write about why i shouldn't have touched.

Life before Facebook

A few days ago i deactivated my Facebook account, which afterwards i figured was really stupid because you can activate it by just logging in again. Still, i thought i need the rest from the distraction, and in Eminem's brilliant words, "I promise to focus solely on my responsibilities."

You see, i didn't initially set up my own account. My best friend thought i was missing out so took the liberty of creating an account for me years back and i just sort of grew to using it, overusing it, then avoiding it completely then deactivating it.

Anyway, point of the story is, in the past few days i've been quickly reminded of life as it was before Facebook.

Life was more personal before Facebook. You could pick and choose exactly what others found out about you and what they didn't. If someone were to contact you they'd have to make and actual call or even send a message. You forget about people you haven't seen in years when they don't pop up on your news feed. You are in contact with only those you really do want to be in contact with. No distant relatives surprise you with random bits of information they found out about you through Facebook.

Life before Facebook was status-less. There wasn't a constant urge to tell almost everyone i know exactly what is on my mind.

Life before Facebook was less gossip-y. Now when i get a message asking if i saw so-and-so's comment on something i can shorten the conversation by answering, no i did not see it (nor do i intend to). Life back then gave you chance to miss people. When you hear about people and see their pictures and comments pop up you never really realize how much you truly miss them.

If i were to compare it, i'd say life before Facebook was getting a handwritten letter from someone you met at camp versus an email blog. Facebook came and it was like an addiction. It was something i had to to everyday or at least every time opened up my screen. Any addiction is negative, it's bad, it's something to be avoided. But in this case, Facebook is, more often than not, harmless. I hope i can hold off this controversial addiction for just a bit longer, just a little more time to enjoy life as personal and private.

Just like a pill

I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch,

I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me itch

I said I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch,

I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can

To the middle of nowhere

To the middle of my frustrated fears

And I swear you're just like a pill

Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill

You keep makin' me ill

I haven't moved from the spot where you left me

This must be a bad trip

All of the other pills, they were different

Maybe I should get some help

I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch,

I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me itch

I said I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch,

I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can

To the middle of nowhere

To the middle of my frustrated fears

And I swear you're just like a pill

Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill

You keep makin' me ill

-- Pink