Sunday, January 27, 2013

being sick

Confession: sometimes i love being sick. I don't love the headaches nor the teary eyes nor the head that weighs a ton, no not all that. But i love the feeling that, right now, nothing is more important than rest. It's not laziness, rather bringing yourself, your body and its wellbeing first. I love that it is okay to just sit there and do nothing because it is what you need to do not what you want. I love the idleness of having no one bother you, of ignoring the phone, the television, the computer, and anything that would take up an extra little piece of your already tired head. I love the fatigue that is not rushed. It is so much easier just to get better slowly, without whining to your body and demanding it pick itself up. Most of all, i love the tea with lemon and honey. Cumin too, if necessary. I am not one of those anti-pill herb advocates. I love the chemicals. I have become somewhat good in mixing cold medication for the best results. Of course i do not dare try out these little wellness experiments on anyone but myself.
I love the bed and its warmth and how it can absorb the symptoms of a virus. That is quite a disgusting picture, i didn't mean for it to sound like that. But, a bed really is the best cold medicine.
I love being taken care of. And i will terribly miss being taken care of. I will miss it so much that i might not like being sick anymore. 

Friday, January 18, 2013

we loved with a love that was more than love

"We loved with a love that was more than love."
-- Edgar Allan Poe

I wish i wrote that. but i didn't. Edgar Allan Poe did

Edgar Allan Poe. 1809–1849
  
695. Annabel Lee
  
IT was many and many a year ago, 
    In a kingdom by the sea, 
That a maiden there lived whom you may know 
    By the name of Annabel Lee. 
And this maiden she lived with no other thought         5
    Than to love and be loved by me. 
 
I was a child and she was a child 
    In this kingdom by the sea: 
But we loved with a love that was more than love— 
    I and my Annabel Lee,  10
With a love that the wingèd seraphs of heaven 
    Coveted her and me. 
 
And this was the reason that, long ago, 
     In this kingdom by the sea, 
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling  15
    My beautiful Annabel Lee, 
So that her high-born kinsmen came 
    And bore her away from me, 
To shut her up in a sepulchre 
    In this kingdom by the sea.  20
 
The angels, not half so happy in heaven, 
    Went envying her and me— 
Yes! that was the reason (as all men know, 
    In this kingdom by the sea) 
That the wind came out of the cloud one night,  25
    Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee. 
 
But our love it was stronger by far than the love 
    Of those who were older than we— 
    Of many far wiser than we— 
And neither the angels in heaven above,  30
    Nor the demons down under the sea, 
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul 
    Of the beautiful Annabel Lee: 
 
For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams 
    Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;  35
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes 
    Of the beautiful Annabel Lee; 
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side 
Of my darling—my darling—my life and my bride, 
    In the sepulchre there by the sea,  40
    In her tomb by the sounding sea. 
 

Thursday, January 17, 2013

long day

I read something funny this week. Someone made a comment somewhere about how the most appropriate answer to the "long day?" question is that no, they're all the same length.
It was funny then.
But i did have a long day today. Not long in the number of hours but long in events.
I woke up at about 7:00 and received a message about ten minutes into the day that there has been a break down in one of our staff buses and there were now about twenty Canadian expats standing on the side of a Cairo highway waiting for back up transportation to work. After a relay of messages and phone calls, i could start my own day knowing everyone was back where they were supposed to be.
I actually got some work done this morning, which is unusual for a Thursday. But two of our administrative team were missing so that've might've bean the reason behind my busyness. I left work at 1:15 to go to a work lunch across town. We've just signed another expat and it's her first visit to our corner of the world. Nice lady. I could see us working together. She has a daughter that seems like such a perfect little pre-teen, I hope the world doesn't mess her up. In the middle of lunch, i get news that the same problematic bus from this morning has now ben involved in an accident and consequently a fist fight. Took a while, but it was dealt with. Other than that, lunch was chill. I love the outdoors when it's sunny but not hot. After that was over, I picked up the nephews and started the long, slow journey back to Heliopolis. Sometimes traffic can be at a complete standstill, and that's horrible, and other times it goes but very very slowly with all the cars trying to inch and extra inch onto the next lane. And that's even worse. Drive back took over an hour. With three whiny kids. Well, in all honestly, they started out whiny but then the entertainment gadgets came out and each was occupied (read: i had to give up my iPhone to shut one up).
Right at the edge of Heliopolis is our government's statistics building. On in, in huge lit up numbers, is a changing population count. The kids found that extremely interesting and i couldn't believe they'd never noticed it even though they ride on the route every week. I had to answer questions like how does the government know that someone was born or that someone died in order to adjust the population count accordingly. I have become really good at telling kids, "I don't know for sure."
The kids were starving as they hadn't had lunch. I ordered McDonald's for them right away. I think that is the main reason they sleepover on the weekend. We let them eat junk. Once a week, at that age, couldn't possibly be so harmful.
I put them in the next room for now. With the food and Disney channel on. And i can hear them being boys. And i sat down to write this. Then i'll watch one of my shows.
Long day.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

weird

it is so weird that people expect you to talk about, deal with, and get over things that they can't even being to imagine happening to them.
Fuck that.

Monday, January 14, 2013

old and dirty milk

Old dirty milk. The milk itself is not old nor dirty, but the setting of this story is. I was sent to buy cream today. I was going out anyway and was asked to buy cream on the way back. It is around the neighborhood anyway so it didn't matter. I said i would buy the cream from the specific place i was given directions to. The place is called Khalifa. It's at the end of the car dealership road of Heliopolis, just before the junction of Korba and Roxy. If you're from Heliopolis, you know where I'm trying to describe, if you're not, you probably don't care.
Anyway, after going slow the entire street try to find the place, i found it at the end. It's a very busy street with open stores and lights everywhere and double parked cars. I had to ask only two people before i was correctly pointed. I found parking almost right outside the place. That's so good it's worthy of mention.
Now coming from a busy place like Cairo, i am used to the dirty sidewalks and streets. But having a dairy products store in the middle of all the dirt is just plain unappealing and unflattering. I am sure the products are clean, but the street isn't. And neither is the store. It's a pretty small place, with just enough room for a cashier, two big fridges and a display fridge. There was an area in the back where the products are made and what-not, but i didn't see much of it through my standing spot just past the entrance. I asked for half a kilo of cream (little did i know then, that's a lot of cream). As it was being prepared or the customer before me was being served or whatever, i had my chance to look around. All the products where in clean, individual packages. There were many different kinds of cheese, rice pudding, creme caramel, fresh mild, fresh butter, and basically anything out of a cow. Most were white, cold, and clearly fresh. But the fridges were old. The floor wasn't filthy, but it wasn't clean either. The man at the cashier and the nice man serving from behind the display fridge looked as worn out as the big fridge.
I had to ask for directions to that place not because i had never been there, but because i had not been there in a very long time. I remembered as soon as i walked in that i used to go with my mom when we went shopping together. This was at least ten years ago, when traffic was much better and we could easily drive around Heliopolis picking up things like cream and cheese. All i could think of in those few seconds i had to wait before i was served was that how everything was exactly the same. It was like a memory revival after loss. I could remember when i last went and how the same cheese was in the same spot in the same display fridge, probably with the same man serving it.
To me, that is the good kind of old. Where time can pass and you choose to buy your dairy elsewhere, but somewhere in the neighborhood everything is still the same. And that is the point of this. I don't care that the floor was dirty or the street was crowded or the fridge was ancient; it was all still the same.

Monday, January 7, 2013

i just don't know what to do with myself

sick or very sick
sneakers or heels
to answer the phone or not to answer the phone
The Colbert Report or Mad Men
green or blue nail polish
paracetamol pills or Lemsip drink
chair or bed
thermal or wool
tea with lemon or with honey or with honey and lemon
sleep and wake up in the middle of the night or stay up
drive or ride
more ear piercings or less ear piercings
drop mask or stay put
Pride and Prejudice or Robert Fulghum
tattoo or no tattoo
shoulder tattoo or arm tattoo
red hair or brown hair
black hair or red hair
yoga or kickboxing
Islamic studies or economic development
another Master's or PhD
new gold earrings or no earrings
Diving in Sharm or no diving in Sharm
Forgive or forget or forgive and forget
lights on or off
culinary school or learn by practice
leap of faith or idleness
call back or don't call back
send an email or wait till tomorrow

but seriously, right now, it's about the green nail polish or the blue nail polish




Sunday, January 6, 2013

Wisdomless almost

I went to see my dentist today. i'd taken this appointment over a week ago. i knew he was going to take out one of my two remaining wisdom teeth. I cried like a child. It didn't really hurt, i only slightly felt the anesthesia shots. But for some reason i get terribly nervous and anxious at the dentist's. I've been going to the same one since i was a kid. He's responsible for my very well concealed fake tooth. He was also the one to take out my two bottom wisdom teeth. Those we much worse. Second one, in particular, was a long, irritating process as the little fucker was rooted in sideways. I really do like my dentist. He's the one consistent family doctor we all go to. He even came to visit us in Germany last March. Nice guy. His clinic is immaculate. Really, the cleanest i have ever seen around here and more sterilized that an operating room. Well, it kind of is an operating room. He is German educated, trained, and certified, that explains some. He's got two or three examination and operating rooms in there. It's a small big deal.
It's raining and windy all of the sudden today. It was almost going to be late, and that is not good because his appointments are on the dot, but i wasn't. Only one street had much traffic and i easily found parking. I do not know if this is because of the weird weather or because tomorrow is a holiday. Either reason worked for my benefit. It is so clean that i have to wear those plastic shoes over my trainers. That clinic is the only place in this entire country that i've had to put on those shoes. All the door knobs are covered with a rubbery removable looking plastic. As i said, it's very clean (even though the building it is in is filthy, explains the plastic shoe covers).
The whole process took about twenty minutes. I was surprised when he was done, i thought i would be in there longer. He stuck one of those little square cotton thingies in my mouth and told me to keep pressing on it for two hours. Then change it and press again. It's slightly irritating. I want to have some tea but not through a straw. It's good though because at least i can get away with not talking to anyone for the rest of the day. Because, you know, i have to keep my mouth tightly shut. I do, i have to.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

running shoes

My running shoes are blue, almost electric blue, Nikes. They're really comfortable. I picked them up at a German sports store a few months back. they have a bunch of gray lines going down the sides in some geometric design. the laces are blue too and the soles are white. they were on discount, marked about thirty percent down.
I have a favorite picture of the shoes. I was at a big park in a little German city. I had just finished a short run and found a secluded bench right in front of the lake. There were always people riding little rowing boats in that lake. there were ducks too. All of it was very picturesque. Most of those in the row boats were incredibly cute older couples. I want to be part of that couple that still boats with gray hair. Anyway, that bench was my favorite. It was almost hidden from the rest of the park but had a perfect view of the lake. My legs were too short but i could just barely sit on the park bench and put my feet up on the fence in front of it. The fence was needed as the ground was a good three meters higher than the water in that place.
So i sat there and put my feet up and looked at the old couple who happened to be there rowing. The man was rowing and the woman was reading. It made me think how they lived their life in order to be able to reach such peace. I looked at my shoes and took a picture with my phone. Then i added a filter so now the picture looks really cool. I don't like to look at it these days though. It reminds me of a time when i thought my life was as pleasant as the lake and the rowing boats. The pleasantness and the lake and the boats are now long gone. But my favorite shoes are still here. In fact, I'm staring right at them. 

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Fifi on the inside

Fifi was out of town. Far away from home going down the steps of Knightsbridge metro station in new knee high dark brown leather boots. The boots were just being broken into, worn with thick wool, a black dress and coat and a colorful cashmere scarf. It was cold as it always in in the corner of the world this time of year. She always wore a messenger bag when traveling, partly to keep her hands free and part to keep it attached to her body. Today's was patent gold to lighten up the dark ensemble. There was a lot of makeup on her face but it didn't show. She always used good, expensive makeup that didn't look like makeup. Her hair, freshly dyed, was still messy from the rain earlier.
The metro pulled in just as she got the the platform. She liked it like that, no wasted time in the stuffy underground. It was only a few stops to downtown. She was heading to the Marble Arch this afternoon. She'd planned to spend a few hours walking in and around the stores all the way to Piccadilly Circus. Fifi squeezed her way into a car. Sat down and stared ahead for the entire ride. She was careful not to make contact with her surroundings not really knowing way. As the train pulled up to her stop, she got out just as unnoticeably as she got in. The change in her wallet was weighing down her bag. That bothered her. She made a note to get rid of it. There were dozens in the street begging for it. She climbed out from the station, discreetly transferred the pence coins to her pocket so it'd be easier to disperse, and lit a cigarette. The smoke was fresh oxygen compared to the stuffiness of the metro. Fifi knew she wouldn't really be spending the afternoon walking and going in and out of stores. She had almost three hours to spare before being where she had to be. She'd spend the better part of those in one store. In one department. Doing one thing. She puffed her way to Selfridges, stopping only once for coffee. Well, she'd intended to get coffee but went for a raspberry tea.
Fifi put out her third cigarette in the almost empty tea cup and threw the whole mess away. Pushing the brass handles on the big glass doors, she went in and took her scarf off. She tied that removed scarf to the handle of her bag; another advantage of that style. Past the shoes, bags, sunglasses and various luxury goods that cost small fortunes, Fifi made her way to the other end of the massive store. Makeup.
She was home. Starting with the smaller labels because they were less crowded, Fifi began her ritual. She always started with the lips because it seemed most natural. Glosses first, then colors. She picked a very pale pink from Sisley because she knew it would not match her skin tone. Directly in front of the small, over lit magnifying mirrors, she applied a coat then two and stared at it for thirty seconds. She stuck the tip of her tongue out from the bottom right corner of her mouth and licked the gloss. It came right off. It wasn't cheap, but wasn't expensive enough not to come off. She licked the entire bottom lip off, then the top, all while standing very still in front of the small over lit magnifying mirror. She popped the tested back in its place and moved on. From Sisley to Laura Mercier to Chanel to Nars to Bobbi Brown. She licked pale pink, deep red, plum, sunset orange, electric orange glosses and colors. When her lips were all worn out and all the appealing testers tasted, she moved to eyes.
With eyes she always headed straight to Lancôme. No use wasting time. Eyeliners first. Fifi always used the deep charcoal colors because they were the most striking. She expertly made a thin swoosh over her left eye, coming out at the ends like Cleopatra. Using her pinkie, she quickly rubbed out the little bit outside the eyelid before it dried. Then she stuck her pinkie in her mouth. Just as carefully, she swooshed over her right eye with the liner, rubbed and licked. Mascara was more difficult. She couldn't lick it after applying. It got messy. Picking up a navy shade of the Doll Eyes line, she took a look around the store she had temporarily become oblivious to, and when no one was looking brought up the applicator to her tongue and took a quick lick.
Going back to the non-makeup licking world she glanced at her watch. It was time to start heading to Piccadilly Circus. She didn't like to be the one who was always late. Sometimes was okay, but not always.
As she pushed her way out through the same brass handles on the same glass doors, leaving the smell of leather and perfume behind, Fifi smiled. Everyday, she was slowly getting closer. She was showing that bitch who told her to eat makeup, so she can be pretty on the inside too, just how pretty on the inside she was. She'd licked her fair share of lipsticks to prove it.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

twenty-twelve and great love

In this past year i've aged fifty years.
I was starting to write a long list of things i learned but my mind is blank (mis-typed that as "black" ironically).
Then i went on one of my time wasting websites and read this, "do small things with great love."
And this is what i learned.
Do small things with great love.