Mona Too

the end of an era

2010-10-23T23:07:00.000+02:00

im moving on

thanks for reading

considering this closure

black and white

2010-10-08T12:03:00.003+02:00

i love life in Cairo. i've written about my love for Cairo, i've talked about it, i've defended and promoted this city at every chance i got

And i still love it whole heartedly and put no other city above it, no matter how glittery and appealing.

but life in cairo is like a movie in black and white. its a classic, irreplaceable. it cannot be created anywhere else or at any other time.

its genuine.

the city's warm buzz cannot be imitated. it's history and culture so prominent in everyday life that everything outside of it feels fake.

but still, it's in black and white

It misses that sprinkle of color. and by color i do not mean an actual rainbow or spectrum. but im talking about the "full experience"

watching a movie in black and white is beautiful. but a movie in color, or better yet 3D, takes you on the whole ride, the full experience. and Cairo is not like that

It can be very limiting. You can go to a soccer game and have a blast, but there is no live music or marching band. You can go to an outdoor concert and the sun would be beautiful but the music would be crap. And that's the problem: the "but" is always there. a great big city festival would be organized, and hard work put into it weeks ahead, but on the day everything goes to chaos. it is a city that does not follow through

it drains you

it becomes a struggle to grasp a full life

and it makes you wish that within this struggle, you were getting the full experience

too good at this

2010-09-24T21:56:00.003+03:00

every time i have a dry writing spell i have to force myself to come back on here and just write for the sake of writing

it doesn't matter that i know exactly who reads this and some of those i have no idea who they are or what they do or why they read. it doesn't matter that i've already said everything i have to say

Which brings me to the point of this particular piece: i've said everything i wanted to say

i've done it all before, too many times. I've become to good at this

now before im labeled arrogant, by "too good at this" i don't mean too good at writing, as i am far from being just good, but too good at everything that im thinking, feeling and doing

i know my life goals i know where i am and where i am planning to go and i have a pretty good idea about how im going to get there. i've written about what i like and dislike, maybe more dislikes than likes. I've got too much figured out, I know how everything will probably turn out

I am too deep into my own life. I know me too well

And while i think that is a blessing and a rare knowledge of the self not a lot can claim to posses, it's as double edged as the sharpest double edged weapon.

Knowing yourself too well leads to the inevitable "what now?" and this isn't necessarily a bad thing. I still anticipate and ponder and wonder. but this knowing leaves a form of numbness that can be very difficult to explain.

It's like the second time around on a roller coaster. you get excited and scared still but you know where you are and what is probably going to happen. At some point, you become "too good" at riding roller coasters. And that's what's going on with me now. I've become too good at whatever it is im doing here. So until i find something more interesting to write about, i'll just sit here and know.

un-smart

2010-08-30T11:17:00.003+02:00

What i love about the workplace is that you learn a lot. Not just about your job and how to do it better but about other people's jobs, personas and behaviors. You see examples that you want to copy and others you want to avoid. It's social exposure at its best.

What i've recently noticed is that new to the division of smart versus stupid, there is a lost category and it is that of the un-smart. Some people are stupid but are just not smart (often when they're job requires them to be very smart). This is nothing to do with task completion or showing results or managing this or that, but it is about daily behavior and the little decisions that blow up into huge problems. Unthought out decisions.

See, the difference between stupid and un-smart is that stupid is a lifetime label, a place of doom for limited minds. On the other hand, un-smart is wasted potential. People have the mental capacity to make better decisions but they don't just because they are un-smart like that. Un-smart is something that, if slightly adjusted, would prosper. Stupid needs a full revamp.

just one more

2010-08-21T23:08:00.003+02:00

"Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left"

-- Nickelback

Just like our dreams are our most favored destinies, our fears could be labeled as our least favored destinies. One of my own fear happens to be settling. I do not want to settle and i do not want to begin a life knowing that it started with settling for something i didn't really want. Now we all (if anyone besides myself is reading this) know that by "something i didn't really want" i mean making life choices that i don't want to spend the rest of my life at: like work, commitment, friendships, et cetera.

And i've probably written about this before in some way or another, but we get the urge to settle and just quit the game every now and then. in our search for stability we sometimes want to get off the ride, even though it's a pretty fun ride, and just stand on solid ground. We think about it over and over and weigh the pros and cons of settling and study every decision to the core. Even when settling isn't such a bad option, we still want what we know and what we have to last longer. And when it's time to actually come off the ride, to step down, we wanna go for just one more spin.

What if i missed something? Even if there's nothing to be missed, why not have one last round of fun? Yes, i think that is the point i am trying to make. It's like when we were kids and asked our moms for "five more minutes only please" knowing that those additional five minutes probably won't bring about major change but we still want them. We get so scared of missing something or leaving something undiscovered that we want to make sure we have ample time to discover everything that is discoverable.

The reassuring feature of all this is that the ride is fun enough to hold on to. That settling is still the undesirable option. That i want to keep doing what i do for just a bit longer. Just in case a bit is as long as we have

this time of year

2010-08-09T21:41:00.003+03:00

this time of year, two days before Ramadan, it hits me that Ramadan is only two days away. even though i know weeks before and am psychologically preparing for the fast and the lack of coffee and the lack of energy and the lack of cold water in this unbearable heat.

but this specific time of year, the night before last night before Ramadan, is very special. the refrigerators are stocked up the cook becomes a resident and my mom is making sure all of everyone's favorites is accounted for. I get told to clean up my various messes lying all over and i avoid making a fresh pot of coffee in the morning.

like every year, this time of year i try to help in the kitchen but end up a useless mess, only good for fetching various items but not touching the actual cooking.

this time of year i take a moment to think about what Ramadan is all about and vow to be good and do good by others and stop swearing and getting so angry.

This time of year every year i appreciate the calm before the storm and take a moment to enjoy the quiet before the chaotic, loud, overcrowded joy of family and tradition kicks in

It's a good day

2010-08-01T21:58:00.003+03:00

INSPIRATION AND 'BOUNCEBACKABILITY': where i get them i'll never know but i sure am thankful

have a listen and be thankful for whatever it is you have that you can't live without

regret

2010-07-31T22:25:00.002+03:00

i don't believe people when they way they have no regrets. we all have regrets, or we all should anyway. When's there's talk of regret the inevitable question arises, do we more regret the things we did or the things we didn't do?

From where i stand, or sit, this summer night, i regret the things i didn't do. I regret all the options i didn't choose, all the things i didn't say, all the thanks i didn't give, all the chances i didn't give, all the stubbornness and repetition of the same belief. I regret it all.

You see, when you actually do something, there are (usually) the options between undoing it or just moving on in sort of denial or choosing to forget it was done and just walking away. The past becomes the past. And as long as you don't let it haunt you, you're more or less fine. But when you don't do something, and time passes, and you can no longer do that thing or say it or express in any shape or form. The "what if's" get to you and they crawl under your skin and you imagine so many different scenarios that your imagination becomes tired. You start to question timeliness and why things happened or didn't happen when they did. You want nothing more than a rewind button for life so you can act differently.

But its not like regret that makes you wanna kick yourself. It's more like uncertain regret. Like you think you regret something but aren't entirely sure. and you want that rewind button just so you can be sure. But there is no rewind button. Or at least i haven't found one yet.

Then you sit here, like me, wishing you had given it a chance or said something or just weren't so damn stubborn.

apple smarts

2010-07-28T15:07:00.004+03:00

i wish Apple made everything. Seriously, i want anything i own technology related to be branded Apple or Mac or iGadget-whatever. They're just so much easier to deal with.

I've always used the smart person/stupid person analogy to compare between everything Mac and everything PC, with Mac, undoubtedly, being the smart person.

my favorite feature of Apple is that everything is fixable. No technical problem is dead end or action irreversible. The device, whether MacBook, iPod, or the yet to be explored iPad defines the problem, if one should arise, in simple human words that the average user with half a brain can understand. Then it proceeds to fix the problem itself. Without asking you a million times if you are SURE you want to fix it. I haven't missed that about PCs at all.

Weird thing is, i tend to label everything that is not Mac as stupid PC. For example, my dead printer, even though made by the fine makers of HP is, to me, a stupid PC device. It does not tell you what the problem while simultaneously refusing to solve it. I especially hate non-Mac compatible devices. It's like they're labeling themselves "I'm with stupid."

innocent ignorance

2010-07-26T19:28:00.005+03:00

i used to believe:

that 20th Century Fox was a real monument that was shot to place at the beginning of movies

that tom and jerry was one word

that only my house was called 'Agami' and not the whole town

that the escalator would bite off your shoes if you didn't step off in time

that my mom knew absolutely everything, just because she said she did

that if you keep the tap running too long sewer insects will start crawling out

that Michael Jackson was born white

that Cinderella was real

that i was adopted (courtesy of mean older siblings)

that summer was endless

that picking flower petals determined the outcome of major incidents

that if i slept over at my grandma's i would never come back home

that by this year in my life i would have known exactly where i was and where i was going

bang bang bang

2010-07-21T10:22:00.000+03:00

"We're never gonna, believe in, the stories, that you're weavin'
We're believin' in the proof, we're believin' in the truth
We're believin' in each other, not you, you, you"

domestication irritation

2010-07-11T11:36:00.003+03:00

Culturally, i have been brought up to not make my bed, not wash my coffee cup, not do my own laundry, and not do any such tasks. This doesn't mean they don't get done, someone is hired to clean up after me, and all those like me. Domestic help, such a controversy.

I despise the idea of a stranger living in my home. But then again i am not going to clean up after myself. I don't stay that out of being a spoiled brat, but I'm admitting that i am not used to it, and i don't intend to start now.

Domestic help can be such a hassle though. There are so many issues involved, as i have recently learned, it is not at all as easy at it seems.

Trust is number one. You are forced to consult your gut feeling of whether or not this total stranger is 'safe' to have in your home. My imagination runs wild with stories of workers choking their employers in their sleep. I start to think about any valuables i have laying around. It becomes an annoying conspiracy theory where i am defending myself and my family from a culprit that does not exist, yet.

Looking at the other side though, i imagine how the new domestic employee might feel. A usually young, usually non-native speaker, alone in a home full of and owned by strangers. I would not switch places with her. She has no idea what is expected of her, how she should act, what the talk is about, or even where the glasses are.

It is difficult for both sides. Sometimes relationships blossom and last for years while others end within the hour. But at the beginning it is always stressful. We have been trained to feel lost and helpless without domestic help. Strangely, i have found it is a whole lot easier to work with people in the office than it is in the home.

coffee classes

2010-07-07T12:04:00.002+03:00

This morning i headed to a Starbucks to grab my morning fix before heading to work. In front of me were a couple, skinny boy with a low voice, short girl in a veil and jeans too tight, who were taking forever to decide to order. I patiently waited and when they finally made their choice they were having one orange juice, in house. The nice lady employee at the cashier denied them. She insisted that one orange juice wasn't enough to grant them seats in the comfortable, spacious Starbucks branch. The girl fought with her for a while, she really wanted to sit down for a bit with her friend, eventually lost, and left with her friend and without her orange juice.

I, of course, could not shut up and had to stick my nose into it. I asked the cashier if that was true, if there was a minimum order charge for them to sit down. She said there wasn't. Then she got all worked up and told me the story that is the point of this post.

She said couples like that come in everyday, order one drink for 10-20 pounds and occupy seats for four to five hours on end. The problem with that particular branch of Starbucks is that it is open to the street. Customers can walk right in through two entrances and sit down using it as a hang out until they are asked to order or leave. What's worse than that is that they sometimes get (smelly) food like foul and taamiya from other oriental 'fast food' chains then sit down and consume them at Starbucks, stinking up the place. She told me that even when employees want to eat something from elsewhere on their break they place their food in Starbucks branded bags then go outside the premises to eat.

What struck me most was the class controversy. I have sometimes walked into the same Starbucks with a friend and we'd have just coffee and maybe a water and we were always welcome to sit wherever and for as long as we wanted to. Mind you, we'd only stay for half an hour tops. But i know that that particular couple didn't look like the social class that was welcomed at Starbucks and similar venues. It is on the one had, unfair, but on the otehr hand, they are not welcome because they do not respect the place.

These chains are open here for a reason: to make money. Whether a whole ton or just enough to stay open, their sole purpose is money. They import coffee, furnish the place in specific branding, pay a whole lot of rental of prime locations, train their staff, and keep with place in shape with high maintenance all to make money. They want customers in, coffees and food ordered, customers out, and repeat. They don't the sappy couple that will come in abuse their nice seats all for the price of an orange juice or the re-sale of a non-Starbucks branded bottle of water.

I had sympathy for the couple who were turned away and denied seats but then again i had sympathy for the employees forced to nicely turn people away because their attitude behavior harms the franchise.

And in my anti-communist, disbelieving-in-fairness-to-all mind, the franchise wins every time.

birthday glitter

2010-07-03T14:54:00.002+03:00

I only dedicate posts to very special people. and this post is dedicated to this week's birthday girl. She's not only special because we go way back and we've been friends since math homework was our greatest fear, but she's special just because she is.

She is my only artist friend. She lets talent flow, she is never doing nothing. But that's still not why she's special

She's special coz she's an amazing motivator, a breath of fresh air, and upbeat rhythm that only sees the good in everything. She's and inspiration and the way she talks to motivate you makes you wanna get off your ass and do something fascinating with your life.

I've titled the post glitter because that's what my friend is, she's glitter. She's real glitter, she makes everything glow and be more exciting. We can take a lame joke and turn it into the joyfest of the month. She laughs and spreads laughter.

She makes you see the best in yourself. She explicitly notices the good in you that you didn't even know was in you.

Before i turned into the blogger that i am, it was her that pushed me to do it. She told me i have great ideas and a way with words and i need to be doing something with it. She got on the phone and told me to blog. We started our blogs together and have been each other's loyal audience. She is probably the only person to believe that i will someday be published. She is one of those who believes in energies, not because its the fad now, but she really believes in them. and her own energy is very positive.

On her birthday i was her so many things, but most of all, i wish her karma. She spreads good and joy and should only get the same in return.

dread

2010-06-30T11:33:00.003+03:00

i would say that among the top ten, or twenty, worst feelings is dread. Especially when it is something you have to say or do and you know exactly what your words or actions will result in and what you'll have to do to fix it and how hard and exhausting it is all going to be. And it is really bad when you know there's no way around it and no one else to make carry the blame, no scapegoat but yourself.

It's those couple of hours before a meeting, a confession or a confrontation. It's the queasy feelings of the insides and the tension that builds up in the nerves. It's wanting a bad thing to happen just so it could pass and be history.

It's finding the exact words to sugarcoat then finding their opposites to give it straight. It's the mental struggle to use a carrot or a stick. It's the good cop/bad cop role played at the same time. It is the compassion you feel but the firmness you display.

It is all of that compressed into one short meeting, sit down, and then it passes. And the relief felt afterwords puts you on a high.

I would say, start every work day with a bad meeting, so when it's over, you get to have a great working day. Because everything else is good once the dread is gone and you can breathe.

time is no healer

2010-06-23T23:43:00.002+03:00

i don't know where it came from, but the number of times i've read or heard that "time is a healer" made me believe it for so many years.

I was gullible enough to blindly believe that time always fixes things and things get better in time. that is true for some part. but time can do a lot of damage too.

when i was a kid my mom taught me to take care of problems right away. coz some problems only get bigger when not addressed. i should've listened, everyone should've listened.

as i grew older i made too many mistakes that i thought time would fix. Time didn't fix shit. as i try to sound reflective in writing this, i can honestly say that dozens of opportunities were missed and more relationships went sour and contacts lost touch with and misunderstandings not cleared up. All of that was my job to do, not time's.

even those i let off the hook, thinking that time will take my revenge for me, went unpunished.

time fixes some things, not everything. time isn't a healer. time is just time. as it passes things happen or they don't but it has nothing to do with time healing anything.

yes, anger fades with time, compassion gets boring or grows with time, friends become boring or thrive with time, relationships build or break, and so on. but it is not time's doing, that's all i'm trying to say here.

time passing by can mess up things pretty bad. an overdue apology is no good after time has passed. i'm just saying.

almost movie moment

2010-06-22T23:16:00.003+03:00

so today i was in my army-like workout outfit at the gym, all with the gloves ipod arm strap, long ponytail, the whole show. Two minutes after i walked into the gym, i spot the one guy my entire high school female population crushed on for so many years. Said guy was looking as gorgeous as ever. i watched from a distance until i felt like a creepy stalker and had to stop staring.

aaaanyway, shortly thereafter our paths crossed. and that was [supposed to be] my movie moment.

i flung the ponytail ever so dramatically, getting ready to look up and smile and give a casual hello and act like my nerves weren't in shock and my heart wasn't skipping several beats. i could swear background, hollywood movie type music was a soundtrack playing in the background. everyone else seemed to disappear. i got dreamy like a teenage girl.

Right then, just as if on cue, some overdressed, over made-up, clumsy idiot banged her right dumbbell on my left shoulder. My moment was gone. I screamed in pain while she apologized at a million words per second rate. When the shock of the pain was gone, so was he. So much for my movie moment. Maybe next time, if i don't act like such a teenager, i'll learn to lookout for idiots playing with heavy dumbbells.

touching stoves twice

2010-06-19T10:34:00.004+03:00

A girl is the only being capable of seeing a bad decision in clear vision and heading straight for it. We just don't learn. We're the creatures that have to touch the stove twice and thrice to learn that it's damn hot. We're a cartoon character that climbs to the top of the ladder to fall down, get back up and start scurrying toward the top again.

And most of the time, we know the exact outcome. We know why decisions are bad and we still choose to dive in. I've been trying to understand this complex concept and decision making routine but i've almost given up. Why do girls think in the way they do? We do we give the same models different tries?

Einstein (i think) once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results. Im pretty sure this implies most people are insane. Lacking in sanity.

To exemplify, a couple of years back i did something that i cursed till very recently. I made a bad decision and i learned a lot from it, a whole lot. We all get scars and burns and they take their time to heal. Going back to the stove metaphor, when the stove burns you, you eventually heal. Then, in my case, you go right ahead and touch a different stove.

This time, i'm taking a moment to think about touching the stove. But i know that the moment will end and i will reach out with my stupid, newly healed hand and touch the damn stove. And within a few months i'll write about why i shouldn't have touched.

Life before Facebook

2010-06-15T21:35:00.003+03:00

A few days ago i deactivated my Facebook account, which afterwards i figured was really stupid because you can activate it by just logging in again. Still, i thought i need the rest from the distraction, and in Eminem's brilliant words, "I promise to focus solely on my responsibilities."

You see, i didn't initially set up my own account. My best friend thought i was missing out so took the liberty of creating an account for me years back and i just sort of grew to using it, overusing it, then avoiding it completely then deactivating it.

Anyway, point of the story is, in the past few days i've been quickly reminded of life as it was before Facebook.

Life was more personal before Facebook. You could pick and choose exactly what others found out about you and what they didn't. If someone were to contact you they'd have to make and actual call or even send a message. You forget about people you haven't seen in years when they don't pop up on your news feed. You are in contact with only those you really do want to be in contact with. No distant relatives surprise you with random bits of information they found out about you through Facebook.

Life before Facebook was status-less. There wasn't a constant urge to tell almost everyone i know exactly what is on my mind.

Life before Facebook was less gossip-y. Now when i get a message asking if i saw so-and-so's comment on something i can shorten the conversation by answering, no i did not see it (nor do i intend to). Life back then gave you chance to miss people. When you hear about people and see their pictures and comments pop up you never really realize how much you truly miss them.

If i were to compare it, i'd say life before Facebook was getting a handwritten letter from someone you met at camp versus an email blog. Facebook came and it was like an addiction. It was something i had to to everyday or at least every time opened up my screen. Any addiction is negative, it's bad, it's something to be avoided. But in this case, Facebook is, more often than not, harmless. I hope i can hold off this controversial addiction for just a bit longer, just a little more time to enjoy life as personal and private.

Just like a pill

2010-06-13T12:23:00.001+03:00

I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch,

I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me itch

I said I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch,

I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can

To the middle of nowhere

To the middle of my frustrated fears

And I swear you're just like a pill

Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill

You keep makin' me ill

I haven't moved from the spot where you left me

This must be a bad trip

All of the other pills, they were different

Maybe I should get some help

I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch,

I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me itch

I said I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch,

I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can

To the middle of nowhere

To the middle of my frustrated fears

And I swear you're just like a pill

Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill

You keep makin' me ill

-- Pink

political inactivity

2010-05-31T23:58:00.003+03:00

I've never been politically active and I have my reasons why. and i won't bore you with them like all the political activists that rant on and on with the same three sentences.

First of all, i am not politically informed enough, or up to the level of information, to allow my to call myself "activist." And in my opinion, neither are two thirds of the so-called activists. I just don't buy that updating your Facebook status means that you are taking a stand and being "active." It's a poor excuse for trying to pull of something that you are not. I'm no angel here, I'm not saying I'm right and everyone else is wrong (even though i am) but seriously, when it comes to political activism, a status update doesn't cut it. If that makes you feel better, to call yourself an activist or to think you have any kind of influence by updating your status, then that's just pathetic. Bombarding people with forward messages and requests to be "active" only belittles the thought behind the act.

Also, most political activism is subjective. And no one takes subjectivity seriously. Plain and simple as that. As soon as emotions and misinformation driven by emotions are involved, that's the end of anything real. Look at this this way, you can always listen someone better if they're decently articulating, but if they're yelling and screaming you can only hear and don't necessarily listen. When subjectivity and emotion are brought to the table, it inevitably turns into yelling with no articulation of neither thought nor speech.

ink

2010-05-25T00:25:00.003+03:00

For quite a few years now, i've been seriously considering getting a tattoo. Actually i've been considering getting three. But it's scary

For one thing, tattoos are permanent. That's a kind of commitment i don't think im ready to make. that's worse than marriage. i know you can get tattoos removed now, but what if i get it then decide i don't like it a week later. Is is worth the hassle and pain of getting one (or three) only to have it later removed?

Then there's the big question of taboo. Are tattoos okay or are they taboo? How religiously unacceptable are they? We do lots of things every single day that are religiously unacceptable. Is a tattoo (or three) worse than any of those?

But the guilt trip lasts only a few minutes and then i go right back worrying over the permanency of tattoos. It can be such a scary thought to think that ink you put on your skin is there to stay. It just stays there. It never goes away it's there every single day (back to the commitment metaphor). You can't wash it off and in many places you can't cover it up either.

These thoughts consume me so much that on a random night like this i find myself researching (googling) tattoo removal methods and comparing between them. Yes, i am finding out how to remove the tattoos i don't even have yet.

beaching

2010-05-21T16:36:00.009+03:00

i miss the beach, i miss being at the beach

i miss that first time you go to the beach, it's like the inauguration of summer. your skin is still winter-y pale and the sand under your bare feet feels so welcoming you want to get buried in it

i love watching kids play in the sand. it still makes me, at this age, want to dig up a big hole till i reach the water and make little sand hills.

i miss the first sunburn and the disregard for sunscreen.

i miss the first tread into the water, which is always freezing but gets warmer each day. i miss almost falling asleep in the sun after a day of getting in and out of the water. i even miss getting sand in my hair.

i miss hitting against the waves and getting teary eyed with salt water.

i miss having to hunt for a good spot on a crowded beach during the weekend. i miss how empty the beach is after all the weekenders are gone.

i miss staying at the beach until it's almost dark and there's no one else around. i miss the glow of skin after an after-beach, after-tan shower.

i miss the smell of the beach, cliche, but i do miss it

i miss losing flip flops in the sand and dropping my phone in the sand and covering up my ipod so it doesn't burn in the heat. i miss chilled water bottles stuck in the sand. i miss freska.

i miss waking up, going straight to the beach and doing nothing all day but swim and tan and maybe even play with the sand and a ball or something.

i really miss the beach and i can't wait to get that first splash, first sunburn and first saltwater sting.

all she is

2010-05-18T12:26:00.003+03:00

My best friend has been called useless, worthless, spoiled, and so many derivatives of those.

Taking a first look at her, you might, just might, get that impression. But the minute you get inside that beautiful head of hers, your opinion drastically changes.

My best friend is dependable. She is always wide awake and fully aware of happenings. She knows exactly what she wants and how to get it. She is determined. She does not only want freedom from any constraints, she actively seeks such freedom. She does her own homework. She doesn't share her miseries with the world, instead, she shares her happiness. Being around her is just like being at a thoroughly entertaining, enlightening and hilarious show. She is the life of any party and puts life into any party. Hell, she turns a car ride into a party. She is a loving mother, a wonderful wife, and an angelic daughter. Her home feels like home. She loves deeply and truly, and straight from her pure heart with no fakeness or the least bit of acting. She juggles a million things at a time. She is never too busy or too free. She is never sitting around doing nothing. And everything she does serves some kind of purpose, even if she is only shopping. Her comedy is genius.

To our little, tight band, she plays so many roles. She is the advisor, the caregiver, the one we trust and believe blindly. When something happens to me or to any of us she is the first we want to call, the first advice we seek. If only everyone else did the same, so much would be better.

Calling her worthless is a crime. An ignorant one too

It shows that those who call her worthless are so deep in the ignorance and one-dimensional, single track of thought that they are unable to embrace all what she really is and all what she is capable of.

optional retardation

2010-05-16T12:15:00.004+03:00

I refuse to treat completely normal, sane, healthy human beings like they are retarded.

I meet those people everyday, those who are optionally retarded. There is nothing wrong with their mental capabilities, nerve structure, brain composition composition or even their social setting to excuse them as retarded, or mentally incapable. in fact, they are very mentally capable, to be able to act so retarded.

What's more, they know that people treat them in a special way. They think they are free to do what they please because we will all say, "ma3lesh" or "don't hold it against them." But this time i refuse the excuse. I will hold it against them.

They act irresponsibly thinking that others can't see their actions. They are insensitive thinking that they don;t need to be sensitive. They are fake, above all they are fake. They act compassionate, they act intellectual, they act like they care but their are not any of these. They're full of talk, deeply believing that their practiced words actually mean anything.

They are like healthy people who park their cars in handicapped spaces (not in this country of course, but in others). They're like rich people who don't leave a good tip. They're like people who can see a queue and opt to cut into yet. In other words, they're people who act in a certain way just because they know society will excuse their behavior.

Half of the blame is not on them, though. Half of the blame is on the society that tolerates them. Sometimes i think people let them off the hook because that is easier than dealing with them. I think they're just feeding a flame of fakeness. It turns into a vicious cycle, where they act retarded and are not held accountable so they act more retarded and are still let off the hook.

Everyday i urge others not to tolerate them, but they still do despite my nagging. I only come off as hostile and un-understanding. And i become the wrong one in the end. I am labeled "wrong" because i refuse to treat the healthy as unhealthy.

intrigued stalker

2010-05-13T00:59:00.003+03:00

it's so strange how people pop in and out of our lives. I'm not talking about friends or acquaintances here. i mean people that we do not know, whom we can only recognize by face and might not even be able to put a name to it. yet they keep showing up here and there.

every time they do that, we are more intrigued by their existence and want ever so desperately to learn more. we see them from time to time over the years that we feel like we know them, and going up for a quick chat seems completely normal. we (and of course, by "we" i mean "me" or "i" and by "them" i probably mean "him") notice how they change and change back. we find ourselves learning bits and pieces of information completely by coincidence, like where they live or where they have breakfast on a weekend.

we mark their existence by places. when we see them out of place we are taken back to those first few times we saw them at a specific place.

and then there come long, very long, periods when they are nowhere to be seen. it's as if they'd disappeared from sight. and when they disappear from sight they disappear from mind and memory.

then they show up again and we wanna run up and hug them as we recall all the memories of unfulfilled encounters and ask where the hell they've been. but just as the grin forms on our faces we remember that we can't do that. because we don't know them. and we're only an intrigued stalker

mr right VS mr right now

2010-05-08T21:21:00.002+03:00

in the never-ending battle between the [non-existent] mr right and [the endless supply of] mr's right now, here are the defenses. mr right wins every time. and mr right now is just another mister, that i will always be able to do without

mr right loves to travel

mr right now has been to ten different cities

mr right listens to good music

mr right now has an ipod

mr right has a sense of humor

mr right now laughs at jokes

mr right splashes around a beach

mr right now swims in place

mr right goes for a walk at midnight

mr right now drives everywhere

mr right loves animals

mr right now has a dog tied up in an elaborate garden

mr right ruffles my hair

mr right now pats my head

mr right fights with me in a louder voice than mine

mr right uses the silent treatment (to which frankly, i don't give a fuck)

mr right recommends good reads

mr right now buys a lot of books to put on the shelf

mr right is my best friend

mr right now is just another mister

tomorrow unfinished

2010-05-02T21:32:00.004+03:00

As i sit here, staring at a blank text box, wondering what the hell to write, the TV is on to some show and the presenter just asked, "what is going to happen tomorrow?" and that struck me as today's point of inspiration

So I'm going to write about tomorrow, literally and metaphorically

I really don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, and i don't wish i did either

but i do know that i am going to sit here and do nothing about tomorrow. bear with my freudian free association sort-of mood here.

literally, tomorrow i will have no alibi, i know that much is true. metaphorically, tomorrow, any tomorrow, brings unfinished business to its fair end. and i think that is what tomorrow is all about : unfinished business. I'm a firm believer in that nothing we do in this life goes unaccounted for; whatever we have done yesterday, or will do today, is accounted for tomorrow, if not sooner. a little while ago my mom was just talking to me about how your right comes to you, sooner or later. "comes to you" is key here. tomorrow brings us our right, whether or not we have pursued it. It's one of the benefits of the settlement each tomorrow brings. we let things go today, knowing they will be fixed or made right "tomorrow." It's like the whole world is big roll of canvas that just keeps unfolding. the more it unfolds the more you see and the better you understand the parts that have already been unfolded.

A word from the wise, clean up your business (or your canvas) today so you won't have to spend tomorrow cleaning up a mess.

selfish love

2010-04-28T22:55:00.003+02:00

we're all selfish, in one way or another. the worst of us deny it and the best of us admit it. And in being selfish, we tend to love ourselves most. My love for ME is and will always be greater than my love for anyone else.

Sometimes we forget though. We forget about loving ourselves. We treat our bodies and souls cruelly, we don;t give them the attention they need. We don't give our mind a break, we don't let it rest. We occupy our minds with the well-being and the happiness of others, and in doing so, neglecting our own well-being.

In what I'm going to call wake up calls to the self, we are reminded of that selfish love. Something happens that reminds them no matter how much we care for others, we care for ourselves more. We get these wake up calls from a person, a place, an incident, it doesn't matter we just get them. When you look at your face and find it pale, or when someone looks at you in a way you don't like, you are reminded how much you love yourself and will not have it ill-treated. You feel sorry for yourself and want to apologize. You don't know how to make it up to YOU.

here's my apology

i promise myself that i will not leave my hair unruly, unhealthy

i promise myself that i will not let my face get so pale

i promise myself that i will not drink enough caffeine to drown my soul

i promise myself that i will not let anyone blame me for something i haven't done

i promise myself that i will not let anyone get away with even looking at me wrong

i promise myself that i will not swallow painkillers like candy

i promise myself enough fresh air

i promise myself to forgive others, but never forget

i promise myself my own, selfish love, that is mine and no one else's

the Fury

2010-04-27T23:16:00.005+02:00

In arabic we have a say that goes "fend the malevolence of the meek if [he is] angry."

If you've read James Frey's A Million Little Pieces, you'll know what i mean when i write about "the fury."

The fury is the anger that arises from deep within the self, it is that uncontrollable anger, resentment, and extreme need for vengeance. The fury takes over your mind first, then your heart and soul then your whole being. It keeps you from thinking straight, clouding over your mind like a dark cloud before rain. Then the rain comes and it is a mix of bitter emotion and more anger and more and more anger.

The fury is, above all, an unstoppable need.

When ignited by someone or something the fury must be addressed. Sometimes a row of cursing will send the fury away. Sometimes smashing something or snapping at someone ever so harshly will calm it down. But other times, the fury doesn't away.

Bear with my metaphor, the fury becomes so hot inside you that it burns you. It keeps burning and burning till you get used to it. And you go numb from the heat rather than from cold. The fury numbs you, and the cruelest comeback is from a numb fury. It makes you heartless. Your need for revenge exceeds your need to breathe.

Shauna-me up

2010-04-23T21:26:00.005+02:00

It can be tough for someone like me to find an idol. I'm not being arrogant, not at all. But i tend to see faults in people first. Now some people have what i call desirable faults, it makes me want to be them.

Of course, most of my idols are fictional. Real people aren't perfect enough.

Currently at the top of my list of fictional idols is Shauna Roberts, played by the awesome Debi Mazar, is a star publicist on my favorite show, Entourage.

Shauna works with men all the time. She gets along with them and finds them easier to understand, which is my own assumption, just like me. She has one female assistant which she drives up the wall with abuse. Shauna isn't a she-male, she is very much a woman. She has a smart mouth and is so not scared to used it, even with the hottest of hot shots in the business.

Shauna is concise, she doesn't chat uncontrollably like women in the workplace. She has the awesomest east coast accent, "I'm your west coast motha," she tells her star client. She's got no problem telling big guys to go fuck themselves when they do something she doesn't like.

But none of the above is my favorite thing about Shauna.

My favorite thing about Shauna is that she throws her toughness and smart mouth around not because she's rich, powerful, well connected or has any such privilege, she is simply amazing at what she does. She does her job better than anyone, so no one's got anything on her. That's her liability. She is not dependent on anyone or anything other than her brains and skills. Even though she is rich, powerful and well connected, that's not what she "uses."

When I watch Shauna I want to BE Shauna. I don't want to act like her or do what she does, I want to be that person. She's full of faults. Her language is offensive every other sentence, she is sometimes treated like one of the guys rather than as a lady, she abuses the hell out of her assistant, but the end result is that she makes someone like me wishing they could be someone like her.

big girls don't cry

2010-04-22T00:18:00.003+02:00

i think i finally understand the reasoning behind "big girls don't cry."

Big girls don't cry because they have learned that crying doesn't fix anything. Girls, by the time we're old enough, understand that situations need to be fixed, not cried over. Crying doesn't fix. As we grow older, some of us learn that crying doesn't make you feel better either. Therefore, crying doesn't fix. As babies and toddlers our tears could get us what we want but the older we get the more meaningless our tears become. We end up with a headache and a pale face. And the same problem we began with.

Crying derives sympathy. And i hate sympathy. Give me empathy if you must, but never sympathy. and crying gives sympathy. and that's why big girls don't cry, because they don't want sympathy.

Big girls don't cry because they don't have time to

Big girls don't cry because when there is a situation that calls for crying, it is much better suited to exert energy resolving, rather than tearing up

Big girls don't cry because by the time they're big, they've cried all their tears and they have no more

Big girls don't cry because it's pathetic, weak and senseless

Big girls don't cry because crying is a waste of precious time

Big girls don't cry because they'd much rather laugh.

Tetris truths

2010-04-19T11:30:00.005+02:00

In the past few weeks i've taken up an addictive habit: Tetris. Yes, that old game so popular on Gameboys. And when you do something for so long, it consumes you. as i play, my mind becomes part of the game, and i see it as more than just a game. i see symbols, metaphors, examples and even advice. I'm not making this up, and i haven't gone crazy either, bear with me.

Tetris, in so many ways, resembles life decisions and overall turnout. When you make poor decisions in Tetris, like placing a block two spaces away from where you should have placed it, missing opportunities to create rows, and so on, you obstruct your overall score from increasing. Or sometimes you're concentrating and luck is slightly on your side and the blocks you keep getting fit well together and your score keeps getting higher and higher as rows keep vanishing and never accumulating.

Eventually, you end the game with a pretty low score, or at least much lower than it could have been: and that is exactly life as i see it. Decision we take, especially those early on, affect the outcome of your whole being.

My favorite example is education. From the type of school you attend to your university years, if you happen to go to school or university at all, but let's assume that everyone does. What you choose to study at university, how well you perform, how much passion you have for what you do, all of these are the factors that resemble Tetris blocks and how you place them. Those university years could push you forward or hold you back.

But it's not just limited to education, it's every single decision you take. From what to wear to an interview, to the friends you keep, to the life partner you choose, to even something as simple as how you drive. Everything you do, everything we do, is another block on our Tetris board. How we contribute to rows vanishing and scores increasing is defined by how we co-manage all of what we have and all of what we are.

trusting the doc

2010-04-11T11:45:00.003+02:00

Due to current health issues, some of my posts will have a medical twist. Endure it and take everything i say as advice.

A few days ago i looked at one of our doctors and said to my brother, "He's my hero!" and i meant it in all essence of the word. Forget superman and batman, doctors are our most prominent heroes. They are the ones we turn to and rely on completely. Their words become almost holy to us. We ask their opinion and advice before making the slightest turn. And when they dispense that advice, we follow it to the letter.

Having that one specific doctor that you trust with your life is irreplaceable. Having him stand right there is security. Listening to his orders is trust.

It is at these times that we realize what a true hero is. He is not a fantastical character that dresses up in bright spandex. He does not make a dash and appear out of nowhere when you press a button, for sometimes you have to call several times while he's asleep or in surgery or something until you get a call back.

His superpowers include instant comforting. You become more open to everything, less hesitant, and uplifted when he's around. Just by being him, he makes you be more, want more, and do more. You want to get better to please him. You want his opinions to be correct. And you would not move an inch without his blessing. When he visits he is a doctor and a friend and a hero all in one. His visits become a treat. You anticipate them and make use of every single minute. When he leaves you don't want him to go.

Trust then becomes the most important characteristic of heroism. For that is a hero: someone who you can throw yourself at and blindly know you'll be taken care of. Someone who you trust more than you trust yourself.

hiatus

2010-04-09T23:27:00.002+02:00

i've been gone. i've missed me on this blog, even if you haven't.

things haven't been stable on the home front, lots of health issues to deal with, that's why i haven't been here. i don't want to go into details because it's been tough and i need a mental escape. So this is my mental escape.

coming back here i feel like i have so much to say, but trying to type it out yields a big blank.

here are a few thoughts and observations from the past couple of weeks. i hope you find them interesting, coz i don't

i want to go to nursing school

a hospital is no place for kids

egyptians abuse elevators. abuuuuse

faith in God is faith, religion comes after

the strong smell of menthol will clear up the worst of sinus blocks

wireless internet is taken for granted

good morning coffee is irreplaceable

a good doctor is my hero. forget superman

i know it's a crappy post, but it's a start till i get back on track

wrong metaphors

2010-03-22T19:10:00.005+02:00

sharing is caring- no sharing is just sharing. i don't have to care when i share, and you don't either. this goes back to Joey and Phoebe's bet to find a "selfless good deed," remember that episode of Friends? it's difficult to find a selfless good deed. it takes a little selfishness to be good, thus selfishness isn't always a bad thing. anyway back to sharing, it's not caring, it's just sharing they don't have to go hand in hand, it's fake

seeing is believing- not true either. i believe, i don't have to see. other times, i see but i don't believe. this sounds almost to philosophical so let me give you an example, or two. i believe in God, i believe in love, i believe that good conquers evil every single time, and i have never seen any of those. when you put it the other way, seeing isn't always believing either. like when you see someone crying and don't believe their tears or you see someone laughing but don't believe their laughter is coming from real, genuine joy

happy cursing at the momma's day

2010-03-21T22:53:00.004+02:00

today is mothers' day. it is a joyous occasion on which we are supposed to express our love and appreciation of our beautiful mothers an try once and again to repay them everything they have done for us and realize that in doing all that we can, we can never give them as much as they gave us. It is a day we are supposed to remember that they love us unconditionally, no matter how much we fret and give them a hard time with everything. we are supposed to stop and take in every reason why our mothers are beautiful, and let them know how much we truly love them.

and my sweetness ends here

today i took the momma out for some pampering and one-on-one quality time. driving to get somewhere i had to turn the car around. now i know im a semi-capable driver and i wasn't taking long at all, i can be above-average efficient when it comes to maneuvering aroung tight Cairo streets. anyway, mid turn this a**hole of a microbus driver yells at me, "hurry, we wanna pass!" the right thing to do then was ignore him but of course i had to bellow out my open window, "and what do i think i wanna do? just sit here? i wanna pass too!" and i did yell this out pretty angrily. anyway i guess i touched a nerve on his uneducated, lower class, male ego that he started cursing at me. well, first at me, then using "your mother" curses. luckily i drove away before i could have heard to much of it.

of course my mom was sitting shaking her head at me wondering aloud when i am going to learn to keep that angry mouth of mine shut.

that wasn't what i was thinking about though. i was thinking that it's fuckin' mothers' day. why not be pleasant? clearly the older woman sitting next to me is my mother, or at least someone's mother. couldn't we leave her out of this cursing war just for one day? i mean, why do we, as a population, curse at each other using mothers anyway? why can't someone insult me for me, and not bring my beloved mother into this?

now if i were a guy, carrying around an anger like mine, i would probably smashed right into his pathetic microbus then picked a physical fight and thrown a few punches. but i am not. so i settled for denial, regression, and humor. i told my mom that i would be showing her a different kind of mother's day every year. this just happened to be the year we get cursed at by a stranger on the street.

never a boring day Cairo, never a boring day.

it [should be] a man's world

2010-03-17T19:15:00.003+02:00

at least the workplace is a man's world. after a day like today i can finally see why men find women so frustrating. women are great, females are awesome, girls are fabulous. but when it comes to work, some don't cut it.

some women demand gender equality, but do nothing to support their argument. i'll leave that for another post since i have too much to say on it. for now:

advice to women in the workplace

1. never cry at work. it makes you look ridiculous. in fact, it makes you just ridiculous

2. if you're gonna cry at work, then at least use waterproof mascara

3. stop repeating yourself. if you said it once to my face, chances are i heard you

4. never ever ever EVER wear flip flops to work, no matter how casual your job allows you to be. flip flops are for the beach and any ground that is not sand makes your feet dirty and disgusting

5. stop gossiping. just stop

6. stop repeating things you hear, for that is also gossiping

7. don't show up dressed like a slut on a night out and expect respect from office boys and security guards

8. never cry at work

9. conceal dark circles under your eyes, it makes you look sleep deprived

10. conceal pms. it's irritating having to work around your mood swings

11. it's okay to swear if you're angry. no goody-two-shoes is ever taken seriously

12. don't cry at work

13. stop flirting your way to the bosses' good graces. since, in this case, most of your bosses are female, it won't work

14. kissing up counts as flirting. stop that too

15. did i mention, never cry at work?

with or without you

2010-03-15T00:47:00.003+02:00

another lyrics-inspired post, stop reading now if you've grown bored of them

"i can't live with or without you" was reiterated by U2 and so many other bands. the words were repeated so often because they're so true

we all have those people we can live with, but can't live without. and if you don't have them, you're among the lucky few. the lucky few who can make decisions easily when it comes to dropping people out of your life. There are those we can't drop. not just because they're coworkers, old friends, or even family, but because even if we try we can't live without them.

it becomes exhausting trying to live with and without them

it's sad that we have to be so different from one another. the difference is supposed to be what makes like interesting, right? not. it makes like so much harder than it already is. we keep thinking over and over how much easier life would be if this person or that person were easier to get along with. and on the other side, they're thinking how much easier life would be if you were easier to get along with.

the frustration with those people gets so intense that some days you go insane and all hell breaks loose and you blurt out exactly what's on your mind. then you regret it. you genuinely regret it and wish you could take back every hurtful word, every truth, and go back to pretending you're okay with them. then they do something so stupid and the regret evaporates and more intense anger takes its place.

i was reading something today, i don't really remember what it was but it said that anger is a secondary emotion. that means it stems from another emotion. like you get hurt, so you become angry. or you're afraid, and that angers you. therefore, we're not just angry because we're angry, we're angry because something happened to make us that way. with the type of people in question here, the people you can't live with or without, unleashing this anger is not always a good idea. because since you can't live without them, the actions during your anger will always be remembered. but, also, since you can't live without them, you can't hold on to the anger. you've got to release it so you can move past it.

so at times like these, you just don't know what to do anymore. and when i say you i mean me. you don't know how to act or react. or even whether or not to react. sometimes when you're so busy with everything else, and everything else is going so wrong and its hectic and frustrating and soul-crushing, you need to live without them. you need to live without them so at least you can at some point go back to living with them.

City of blinding lights

2010-03-10T22:31:00.002+02:00

i don't know what city U2 were singing to, but Cairo is MY city of blinding lights.

As i write this, im so high on this gorgeous city. Im so high on my gorgeous neighborhood and how beautiful and alive it becomes in the summer. These early days of summer make me appreciate everything SO much more. I long to be outside all the time. At work i look for tasks to do outdoors. I walk from building to building smiling idiotically every time im hit with the rays of sun. Summer makes this city come alive

at night it is so damn beautiful. people are happier. outdoor cafes are busy with the hustle of Cairenes embracing the beautiful weather. Lights are so much more vibrant. There is a rush to be outdoors, to wear a t-shirt and abandon the layers of ugly winter clothing.

I appreciate this city. i absolutely love this neighborhood. With its busy streets, with it's crowded sidewalks. I appreciate the crowd. i appreciate we have reason to head outdoors. i appreciate the summer.

There is nothing like the combination of beautiful places, friends who are family, good music, and a good walk and laugh. It is so rare to be able to walk anywhere in this city. Tonight i did. i met people i love. i walked back listening to music i love. and i feel so damn lucky.

U2 had it exactly right "Oh you look so beautiful tonight in this city of blinding lights"

not writing

2010-03-09T01:04:00.003+02:00

i don't write these days. i thought i didn't know why but i do

i don't write because i'm too tired to think

i don't write because when i'm at this laptop it's for either work or class assignments. after both are done i don't have the capacity to think anymore

i don't write because i don't like to just write anything, even though i probably should, and nowadays i just have nothing to say

i don't write because i can't breathe. because i hate March and all the dust it brings

i don't write because i would rather re-watch episodes of Entourage

i don't write because i don't feel like it. no excuses. i just don't feel like it

i don't write because my mind is not at peace. even though writing brings my mind to peace

i don't write because my thoughts are all over the place

i don't write because i wouldn't know what to write or how to write it

i don't write because i get migraines

i don't write because i've been an insomniac for a week. and the migraines don't go away

i don't write because i don't enjoy anything that i have to do. i want to want to write

i don't write because all i ever feel like posting is music. and that's not very interesting to anyone but to myself

i don't write because it will come out sounding like complaining. just like this post. and i don't mean to complain. so i won't write

(don't) respect your elders

2010-02-23T13:22:00.002+02:00

When i take a break from work/study time to blog it means something has gotten on my nerves, or i realized something very important that cannot wait to be published. In this case it's the former.

How do you tell someone who works with you and is literally three times your age that they're a useless waste of office space? That their desk and computer are better suited for charity or even recycling? How do you tell someone that without hurting them? Some are efficient at work, some are less efficient, and some just can't do shit. These are the type of people you ask to do something and they come back to you with

1. "i cannot do this. would you do it?" -- if i wanted to or could do it in the first place i would have done so

2. "this can't be done" -- yes it can, watch me, or watch someone else not so helpless

3. "what is it you wanted me to do exactly?" -- this one usually comes two days or so after the asked task had been detailed

4. "this is not in my job description, but i will help you with it" -- your effing job description is to do what i ask you to do

Now when it is someone your own age or a few years within it, replies are no problem. most of the time negative replies don't even sound rude. But when it's someone so much older, and with so many more years of experience under their belt, it can be frustrating to tell them off. Or in this case, holding off telling them off and just doing the job myself or finding a more competent aide. but time after time after time it becomes aggravating.

being old is not an excuse for avoiding work or slacking off or just choosing not to do some bothersome task. and "old" in the workplace is really, anyone over fifty, right? which isn't even that old. And the tasks being requested are not rocket science, nor are they any kind of science for that matter. Therefore, the question still stands: what DO you do when an older person isn't doing what they are supposed to, and should be able to, do? What is rude in this case? I believe "rude" isn't applicable to work, if you take your job seriously. You do what needs to be done, and your counterpart accepts it, f they take their own job seriously, not matter how old or young they are.

Anyway these were my thoughts of the moment, more when i get them.

driving me crazy

2010-02-22T22:57:00.002+02:00

When i first got my driver's license, a world of opportunities opened up. No longer would i need to arrange a ride or to be picked up and dropped off. no longer would my driver's day off regulate my weekend. no longer would i need to plan beforehand exactly how i would get somewhere and exactly how i would get back home. you get the picture.

Years later, that is not the case. Now i almost never leave home unless i absolutely have to or really want to. It's not because I'm aging quickly or becoming boring, but because driving has become a recurring pain in the ass. The hassle of taking a car out, struggling through traffic, then parking it somewhere else makes one consider and reconsider if the trip is worth the hassle. Leaving home has to happen at least an hour prior to when you need to get where you want to get. Making a dash for it is not possible anymore.

I don't intend to describe what happened to the streets but i am attempting to describe what has happened to us because of what happened to the streets.

Due to absence of decent radio service in Cairo, a car ride without decent music is hell. Therefore, forgetting my ipod is no longer an option. I remember at least a few times where i would drive back a short distance just to get my music.

My car is becoming a telephone operation base. Almost all calls are made while driving. Long calls, short calls, work calls, gossip calls, everything. The good thing about this is that less time is wasted on the phone outside of the car.

Because of the inevitability of the extended driving durations, car companions have to be picked with care. It is has become a serious mistake to take in someone who is too boring, too talkative, too loud, too nosy, or, worst of all, has an opinion against my own in music, and dares to change my songs. It is even worse when i am the passenger and the driver has terrible music taste and i end up with a physical and metaphorical headache caused by the crap they play.

Everyday i say i'd hire a fill time driver, just for myself. So i would never ever have to drive again. He'd take me to work and back, drive through afternoon traffic, take me to the other sides of Cairo which I'm too lazy to drive to myself after the morning trek. But then i change my mind. I like to be in control in my car. I want to turn up the music as loud as i want, and most of the time sing along. i want to be able to repeatedly turn the air conditioning up and down. at the times when i do have a driver, i annoy him as well as myself with a million requests.

Im drifting off the point here. The point is traffic is driving me crazy and its not getting better and its taking longer to get anywhere and i will go nowhere that is not worth the trip. I'm sure you wouldn't either.

Objection

2010-02-22T10:47:00.002+02:00

"This is pathetic and sardonic

it's sadistic and psychotic

Tango's not for three

was never meant to be

but you can try it, rehearse it

or train like a horse

but don't you count on me, don't you count on me"

-- Shakira, Objection

little lies

2010-02-21T00:02:00.004+02:00

I never believe anyone who claims to never lie. We all lie, ALL of us. Lying doesn't have to be a bad thing. Some lies are so insignificant, i don't think it's fair labeling them lies in the first place. I told a little lie today and that got me thinking about these little lies. I realized i use them quite often.

When I'm talking to someone about something very boring and the subject changes and they ask what were we talking about, i say "i forgot" and quickly change the subject before they remember. Or when someone asks me to pick between two things that are close to identical, i vote and convincingly argue for one just to get on with it, even though i don't see the damn difference.

They're not really lies but they're not truths either, so that makes them lies. I don't believe in "white lies" a lie is a lie. And the only goodness that comes from telling a lie, no matter how little or white, is owning up to it.

c'est la freakin' vie

2010-02-18T14:56:00.002+02:00

the title of this post was my status on one of the too many gadgets/electronic vents i use. friends who saw it were asking what's wrong? nothing is wrong. but i did have one of my frequent breakthroughs regarding life, our life, and what we're doing to it and what it is doing to us

and the only thing that comes to mind is "c'est la freakin' vie"

recently, death hit close to home, not quite my home but close enough. I wrote about that already so this isn't an encore. except that today, once again, death has hit close. it's not so much the pain this time, it's the realization that we're all bound to get there. That sooner or later one of those hits will be at home. so c'est la freakin' vie

we do things for people and expect that they would do the same for us in return. then the tables turn and its time for them to live up to our expectations and they don't. and we get disappointed and mad and upset and even more mad then we cool off. then they ask for something again. and we do it, knowing that when it's their turn, they won't come through. but we still do what they ask for and i don't know why. we feel cheated and abused. we feel disgusted at ourselves for letting ourselves get cheated and abused. but c'est la freakin' vie

sometimes you find something that makes you really happy. and you promise to using it only for your happiness, harming no one else, stepping away if you're about to do harm. not talking about it not complaining not expecting, not wanting, not doing anything. just enjoying. but life takes away that privilege. you are not left in peace to like what you like and do what you do because life gets in the way. and you can't help but wonder why and question if you really deserve what you want to do, and when you realize you do deserve it, you can only think c'est la freakin' vie

sometimes you have problems at work, but c'est la freakin' vie

sometimes you have a killer headache that won't go away for days, but c'est la freakin' vie

sometimes you are just bothered with everyone asking for so much and expecting so much out of you. they expect, expect, then expect some more and you have to stretch yourself to make them all happy, or in most cases just satisfied, and in some cases unsatisfied. and guess what? c'est la freakin' vie aussi

So if you read this and can relate, it might be comforting to know we're all in this together. or it might not, i don't know i just write because i need to vent. We're all uncomfortable in some way or another and sometimes in many ways and others. but this too shall pass, shall it not? i like to read up on inspirational bullshit and one i can particularly relate to this is "when life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave life wondering how the hell you did it"

mind on my money, money on my mind

2010-02-16T10:35:00.004+02:00

Do you ever think about spending habits? i didn't used to but now i do

now that i work for a salary and try to save, rarely succeeding, and finding my salary deposit amount empty before mid-month, i gotta stop and ask myself where the money goes

trying to remember what the past two weeks have been like, i don't remember overspending on anything. but that's not the issue here, what I'm trying to understand is the way we spend.

everything is relatively cheap in cairo, even car gas, so where does our money go? yes i do tend to drift off at the hairdresser's and end up buying hundreds of pounds worth of products whenever i go. yes, i like overpriced coffee and drink it almost everyday, et cetera. but none of that should result in the rapid depletion of my account month after month.

i almost think i should start writing down everything i spend. but im not that neurotic yet.

its times like these i am slightly thankful to live in a male-dominant society. Even though i choose too, it will never be expected of me to fully support a home. that would be a nightmare. i don't know how our fathers did it, they are heroes for providing for us and even bigger heroes for not hating us when they do and when we carelessly spend their money.

sleep tight

2010-02-13T22:07:00.002+02:00

as kids, we avoid sleep. as grown ups (or the pseudo grown ups we are) we long for it and cherish its value. personally, i get pissed off when i wake up earlier than necessary on weekends. I love getting sleepy at 9:30 and using it as an excuse to get into bed.

sleep is a recharge. it is a force on your body and mind to shut down. when sleep comes everything else seems trivial, nothing cant wait till tomorrow.

i love those last moments before you drift off, and those first ones when you wake up. It always seems to me that this is when we're at our most transparent. Given the chance, we say whatever we want to whomever we want. Call me childish but that is why i learned to keep my phone and computer away when im falling asleep. the honesty of those moments is just so tempting. i think in terms of everything being so little and unimportant, what does it matter that i tell a little secret before bed? or send a rude message to someone who had pissed me off during the day? it is only after we send stuff like that that leads to "wtf have i done?!" the following morning. Sleep induced messaging is my form of drunk dialing.

the best kind of sleep though is when you don't set an alarm. the kind when you wake up wondering what time it is, and which day it is sometimes. on those rare occasions, stall looking at the time, enjoying my time-ignorant bliss.

inconsideration

2010-02-13T10:26:00.002+02:00

Do you ever have people piss you off and push all your wrong buttons, then ask in a chirpy voice, "why are you so angry?" When that happens i physically boil on the inside and feel that im about to explode.

Inconsideration is when people keep shoving crap your way, then they shove some more, unaware or choosing to ignore the loads of crap they've already shoved before. It is when someone asks you to do a million things for them, and you dutifully accept, then ask why it bothers you to do number one million and one.

People make you hard then they wonder what is wrong with you, unaware of their contributions to the heart of stone you are quickly acquiring.

At one point in our lifespan we've got to pay our dues, because we are all due to something or someone in some form. We pay those dues with the dream that once they're paid, we can live not owing anyone anything. i long for that day more than any other day. Girls my age dream of their wedding day, the day they become mothers, et cetera. i dream of two things, when i become a real success at what i want to be, and when i am free of familial, social, and even emotional debt to anyone. I do not want to owe anyone anything.

are you socialist?

2010-02-07T19:54:00.003+02:00

I know, i haven't been writing. But my classes are back in session so i should have more thoughts now that my brain is no longer on mid year break.

Speaking of classes, i am learning about myself that i am quick to say stupid things aloud to a room full of graduate students. Then i take in what i just said while everyone just looks at me, not always in a bad way though. My favorite this week was "I'm not an airhead" and it came out sounding lie something a purebred blondie would say.

That's not the one I'm interested in telling you about though. The one I'm interested in telling you about is "Are you socialist or something?"

You see, i am taking this class on the role of government in a market-oriented economy. So naturally, the first day we were discussing what we all think the role of government is and what it should be. Not surprisingly, my outspoken Egyptian public university educated classmates all had the same opinion. The foreigners mostly stayed quiet.

The discussion lured mostly around how the crappy government is doing a crappy job and the crappy business owners are in control and are abusive of the majority of the poor-but-well-intentioned, hardworking, constantly exploited population. And that was the point at which i had my little outburst, telling my classmates i thought they were socialist. When we Egyptians criticize out own government, we tend to forget one very important thing: this government wakes up every single day with 80 million mouths to feed. If that doesn't draw some sympathy even to the most malign of guardians, i don't know what will. I am not defending our government, i am disapprovingly well aware of its corruption. All i am saying is that our constant complaining is not helping. This is a classic case of "if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem."

We, educated, adults need be doing much more than sitting in some master's class badmouthing for the sake of complaining. I noticed a trend while listening to my classmates: no one gives reasons for why things are they they are, or what is needed to be done by whom to fix them.

At one point we were discussing medicine. One of my opposers threw at me the fact that the aspirin sold at pharmacies isn't as strong as aspirin sold at all other pharmacies over the world. I wanted to yell a him, "Ya think, idiot?!" In a country that still subsidizes terrible quality bread, the guy with a headache wants the bread, not the aspirin. Better and more food, a better transportation system, better curricula at public schools will all make the poor man's headache go away faster than any top-quality aspirin pill will.

What struck me most was that these complainers were raised to oppose and to complain. The tendency to point the finger at the other guy (in this case, the government or the private business owner) was so very strongly inhibited in their reactive mental capacities. It was all like, "this government is crap and it needs to be changed, not only changed but hanged and murdered and burned down because they do a crappy job and i will not help rather i will sit here and order the torture of this evil government then i will laugh as they burn down."

Whether we like it or not, we're all in this together. Personally, i don't like it. I am thankful each and every single day to be educated and to have access to more education and to have the reasoning to realize how i want to give to this country. At least, i will give by not barking at it. I refuse to blame the government fully. I will blame certain aspects of it to a certain extent, but it is not solely its fault that people can't get Panadol.

I am not saying that things are good as they are, things are horrible. But stop complaining you socialists. TRY being responsible for someone else's monthly income first, let alone try to BE the government, responsible for 80 daily food intakes. And when you can do a better job, complain all you want. But as long as you're comfortably sitting in a brand-new campus, being taught by some of the best professionals in the country, put a lid on your complaints.

allergic to winter

2010-02-03T14:19:00.003+02:00

I'm allergic to winter, in all that it is and all that it brings

Im physically allergic to winter

I''m allergic to the wind. It makes my eyes hurt i never knew eyes could hurt but thats what wind does to me. It makes my eyes tear up for hours on end. It blows harshly into my long hair. It causes it to get into my eyes and that hurts and stings even more.

The cold gives me a headache. The cold makes my fingers hurt to the point that i can't hold my anything. It puts me in pain to find my keys and start my car. Dialing my phone is exhausting. Keeping the phone in my hand in order to dial is also exhausting. The skin on my hands look like an old lady's no matter how much lotion i use or how many different types and brands of moisturizers i switch between.

And when i get a break from it all i find that my eyes are still stinging and the headache is still there. My lips get chapped and i hate chapped lips because they're ugly. Lip balms and glosses become my permanent carry along and i lose them in different bags and pockets. Coming to work is just sad because it's so windy at work. The air is fresh but the area is cold. Colder than downtown at least.

Im emotionally allergic to winter

Cold nights drain me there's nothing i want to do except sleep and complain. It's sad to stay in every night but that's all i want to do. Then i complain so much that i get sick of my own complaining so i complain some more. i don't see my girls as much during these few cold weeks and that upsets me.

Im mentally allergic to winter

Im more stupid during winter. True. I don't use my brain half as much as i should or as i would normally do. all i can think of is how much i hate this weather and can only daydream of summer to pass the hours. I become so much less productive at work. It really does take me longer to answer certain questions. I find excuses to work at my desk, where there's heat and coffee and comfort even though my job is not a desk job.

I think i have it figured out. I hate winter not because it's bad but because of what it does to me. Im allergic to it so i'll never like it. And i don't have to. Im glad its short i hope it ends right now.

move over, fax

2010-01-27T14:58:00.004+02:00

Every generation thinks the one before them was exceptionally slow in the sending and receiving of information. Between our laptops, Blackberries, iPhones and even outdated little Nokias, the world is literally at our fingertips. We Google everything, and personally, i am more thankful for Google with every click on "search." We depend on internet. I would rather have water cut from my home than my precious internet connection. Well maybe not water, but take anything but my internet.

This is coming from the type of work day that is today. So, first, i send an email with an attachment for an order to process, which will be delivered from halfway around the world. I receive and inquiry reply, i respond to the inquiry, and sit back wait for my delivery eight weeks from now. It all takes less than ten minutes. The order is compiled of over three hundred items.

Meanwhile, i receive a phone call, on a landline, transfered through an operator, asking if a fax has been received. It sounds archaic even as i type it. I check that the said fax has been received while promising a call back. I am delivered the actual document in question. It is handwritten. Unprofessionally. In bad handwriting. This order, in comparison to the previous one, will be delivered from less than halfway around Cairo. I conduct the promised call back and am forced to listen to filler phrases for half the call. The whole process takes about half an hour. The order is compiled of twelve items.

I could not help but to notice the huge difference in communication efficiency. The older generation is not kidding when they say we're constantly in a hurry. And that there's no longer time for anything. And every free minute is a minute wasted. Here i am, on a mental break from work, and i cannot sit and do nothing for ten minutes. Instead i choose to pour out my irrelevant pool of thought onto this blog. And this particular pool of thought happens to be pissed off at receiving a handwritten fax, on this day at this point in technological advancement, receiving a handwritten fax.

I recently read Ivanka Trump's book, The Trump Card, in which she refers to the value of a handwritten note. I am not disagreeing with one of my much appreciated role models; a handwritten note is completely different. I would appreciate a neatly handwritten thank you note on personalized stationery. Not a handwritten order processing fax.

It is sad that dependable suppliers in the market i deal with still insist on such communication. But what is sadder is that i don't think they even realize how outdated their methods are. It's like the world is moving on while they were busy not looking up from handwriting the document they are about to fax.

Move over, facsimile. Make room for the email attachment.

biased love

2010-01-26T13:28:00.000+02:00

A popular Arabic saying translates roughly into, "I curse my son and hate whoever says Amen." That's exactly how i feel about this chaotically beautiful country.

Living here, it's hard not to complain. It is virtually impossible not to complain. When we try we end up with sentences like "I'm not complaining, but i hate this traffic" or "I'm not complaining but so-and-so service sucks!" or "I'm not complaining, but its taking forever to process my visa." The truth is, we are complaining. And sometimes it's okay to complain, because there i a difference between complaining and whining. But i'll leave that comparison for another post.

Then comes the point where little complaints evolve into angry cursing. The voice of the growing need to get out of this city gets louder and louder. Here's the catch: it is very difficult to accept that kind of anger when it's coming from someone other than yourself. I'll defame Cairo, and complain about it, and curse my way through it's traffic. But when someone else does it, the nationalist in me wakes up. Only then do i feel a thriving love for this place and furious anger at the source of slander.

We are the generation that has never had an incentive to feel the sense of nationalism generations before us experienced. We don't know about war or foreign occupation or even involvement in major political conflict. We have no reason to love. Our particular segment of society takes nothing from this country. When we need schooling we go to international schools. When we need medical attention we seek it abroad. What we wear is seldom made in Egypt. We even outsource entertainment. When was the last time you went to see an Egyptian-produced movie? Better yet, how does the mount of Egyptian entertainment compare to foreign entertainment in our lives? It is a steep ratio and i dare you to claim otherwise.

Our moments of passion show at rare occasions. Like when we watch Essam El Hadary kneel down on the ground in thanks to a game won. Or when we can see the bright, bold colors of our flag dancing out of windows and cars all over the city. Personally, i get the nationalistic rush of blood to the head when others curse Egypt, especially when the cursing is targeted at Cairo.

I love this city with all its pollution, noise, incompetency driven frustrations, traffic, friendliness, warmth, grayness, colorfulness, but mostly for all its soul. I take great pride to have come from a place like this, with its past heritage and its present aura.

Every once in a while Cairo will upset me, so i will get angry with it. And other times it will upset someone else. And in my biased love for this place i cannot take anyone else dissing my Cairo.

the hardest goodbyes

2010-01-24T17:26:00.005+02:00

As we grow up we learn to say goodbye. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes we're indifferent. and other times we're kind of glad to be saying it. we say goodbye to people when they die, when they leave, or when we leave. we say goodbye to places wishing some good riddance and praying to come back to others.

I think i can confidently say the hardest goodbyes are those we bid to our dreams.

It hurts so bad when you admit that you can't be what you want to be, just because you can't. It is not something that is possible or ever will be. Its hurt is almost physical and it drains you. It makes you tired when you shouldn't be. It makes you want to sleep and turn off all the lights. It makes you not see the point of so many little things that were so recently entertaining. It makes you dislike yourself and your twisted little brain for ever having those dreams in the first place.

I'm lucky to be an optimistic dreamer, and i know sooner or later i'll live for bigger and better dreams.

but then i'll always be scared of the goodbye. because once you've experienced it you never want to go back. every dream reminds you of the failure of the one before. every time you decide to believe in something, that lost dream is recalled, and you remember why not to believe.

and i know exactly why i don't believe in some things. because they have never failed to let me down. i don't believe in certain dreams because they are such a teaser to my naivety, i lose every single fucking time.

I hate to be sad but i can't help but be just that. i hate to be sad on this blog but i need to blurt things out so i can move on and be happy, because that's the only thing i like to be.

As always, when words fail music is my mouthpiece. Give a listen to Rascal Flatts' Here Comes Goodbye

wake up calls

2010-01-24T12:04:00.002+02:00

the only type of a wake up call i like is at a hotel, when they call you so you don't miss your flight. that's it. metaphorical wake up calls i hate.

metaphorical wake up calls make you want to drive your car alone and listen to every meaningful song you've ever applied to your own life. and i've got lots of those, too many for my own emotional well-being.

This morning's song was green day's 21 guns. "Lay down your arms, give up the fight"

I listen and i think to myself, "what fight?" You know how sometimes you think you're part of some huge fight, where everyone involved is struggling for something different. Then the fight ends and you neither win or lose. but it ends when you realize you're the only one left in it. you're the only one still struggling. and you realize that for so long, the struggle has been of the internal kind. a sick internal struggle.

if you're me, you go back to what you are used to. you go back to building walls and having your own little party inside. The walls are safe, they're peaceful inside. There's nothing to disrupt the pursue of your plans. You can work on your career and give it a hundred percent of your focus. when you allow your walls to be broken down and you have to build them back up, the building back up part becomes easier every time. like an automatic garage door. you can literally press a button, or have someone press it for you, and a wall goes up around your mind and your emotion. That is, of course, if you are me. which you are not.

more loving homes

2010-01-19T11:22:00.004+02:00

I kept two little pet turtles. When i first got them they were my new toy that i showed around to everyone and beamed while their cuteness was admired. I felt responsible as i cleaned out their water and gave them food and watched them swim around. They were alive and healthy because of what i did to preserve their life life and health.

After days weeks then months of the little caregiver act it started to be a drag. Then it became a hated chore. Then i didn't care much whether they live or die; so then i felt guilty. I started looking for a new home for them and i found one. Today They went to their new home. I hope the new caregivers don't find them as boring, messy, or hassling as i did.

As i sit here without them for the first time in so long, i start to think. and when i think i write.

There are things you can only care for for so long. There is a threshold to our worry, and once you reach that threshold you can worry no longer. you don't want to worry any longer. We grow up and we change and our needs and interests change. We don't always want to care for or expect care from the same things; or the same people.

I don't mean to sound so resigning. Our needs don't end, they change. For better or for worse, our needs are constantly changing. Then they change back or they don't.

Like, i might want those turtles back at some point, or i might not. But if the turtles want me they will always have a home right here.

buying heaven

2010-01-15T12:32:00.003+02:00

"forward this message on behalf of the Prophet and recite three verses of the Holy Book and you will be guaranteed a palace in Heaven" with your name written on it in bubble letters, i suppose.

Religious chain messages were first a nuisance, now i think they are downright rude and belittling of religion and the concept of God in whole. We get them every day, and usually they're in three parts: highlight of the "holy" source of the message carried, the message, and a threat/guilt trip insinuation in case you choose not to forward it.

The way i see it, God does not care how many messages you send out, we are not teachers, we do not know our enough about our religion to preach it. We are best fit to try and practice it to its fullest, and in that we are promoting our ideas and beliefs. God does not want us to turn religion or His holy words into a trade. God does not want us to blindly repeat a verse a hundred times, at least not without understanding it.

I highly doubt God works on a points system. It's not give and take in exchange; it can't be. Because if that's the way we'll be judged, i can go commit murder then repeat a verse a thousand times and all will be forgiven?

That is belittling of God, and disrespectful on so many levels.

I refuse to take part in this ultimate sin.

comfort

2010-01-13T22:14:00.005+02:00

We all have those special friends that we've known since we were babies. We know those people pretty well. But the people we always know REALLY well, as in inside out, what they're thinking, how they're going to react, what they want to say but are holding back, are those who were our friends through or early adolescent years. Those we know when our personalities were at the peak of their formation. I am lucky to still be in contact with, and very good friends, with so many of these.

Today i was out with four of my 'school friends' who i normally get to see usually amid a crowd of so many others. Today it was intimate, it was true. It was us talking about anything and everything. It is so cool how you don't see people everyday but you never feel like it's been so long. This comes from the familiarity and comfort you feel towards such friends.

There were five of us, each leading a completely different lifestyle. Each fitting in her own surroundings, but not in the surroundings of others. And we're all exactly perfect how we are.

When you're with such people, you are pretty much carefree. I never think twice before i say something. I know i won't be judged, and i will not judge. I know nothing i say will be repeated unfavorably. I don't have to give introductions so i wouldn't be misunderstood.

drag-on cultures

2010-01-10T13:57:00.002+02:00

How many times have you walked past some little shop during the month of June and caught a "Happy New Year" streamer still hanging on the door? If you answer is 'never' then im sure you don't come from where i come from.

We're a culture that likes to drag on everything. Be it new year decorations, arabic pop music, or- my favorite example- the Titanic movie: we drain everything. I'll stop at Titanic for a minute. When it came out, it was in theaters for forever. We all saw it at least twice. When the whole population was at ease that everyone else had seen it too, Celine Dion's theme song blared everywhere. There were Titanic t-shirt, Titanic posters, Titanic car window shades. Hell, there was even a "Titanic Cafe" in the Maadi entrance, shaped like a big ship and everything. Meanwhile, the rest of the world moved on with the next movie that came out.

In Egypt we celebrate two Christmases. It is the perfect excuse for Christmas trees to stay up longer than they have to. Of course here, they stay up till Valentine's. Ramadan lanterns used to be hung at building entrances just for the duration of the holy month. More and more, people are finding it easier to leave the lantern up there all year round than to actually exert the five-minutes worth of effort it would require to take it down.

Break ups: we either rebound, or we take forever to get over ex-partners. Some people take years and are never really over each other. That is sick.

Online games and chain games: they're funny for the first few hours. People responding to chains weeks on is a drag.

And remember those virtual pets what were popular in the nineties? I bet we had them for longer than any other places, except maybe China. As our generation outgrew them younger ones were still excited to play with them.

Ahmed Zaky's death: Sure i will always admire his talent and acknowledge it from time to time, but he's dead. Move on cinema freaks.

There is so much more i can think of, the list is endless. The point is, we, as a culture, have got to learn to move on. Leave the past in the past. Acknowledge the end of an era, a fad, or even a movie. As long as we let the past drag on, we're missing out on new beginnings.

I don't wanna fight

2010-01-09T12:20:00.004+02:00

I proclaim the year 2010 to be the year of no grudge held. The year of live and let live. Sure not everyone has done exactly what we wanted, or preferred, them to do, but it's still okay.

As always, when words fail, music speaks. So I'll let Miz Tina Turner do the preaching here.

I don't care who's wrong or right i don't really wanna fight no more

taming toddlers

2010-01-07T19:32:00.003+02:00

I've never been a fan of the little ones. In fact, i was a bit of a child-hater. It isn't a bad thing really, i just find trouble in dealing with anyone under the age of 15. And the younger they get, the more uninterested i become. This all changed though 8 years ago with the arrival of my first nephew. Don't get the wrong idea though, the only kids i like are the four nephews. The rest can remain far, far away until they pass puberty.

I'm scared to write this, or even think it, but a kid-less life might not be so bad. I'm not saying i don't want kids of my own- be careful what you wish for, right? But i don't mind things as they are now. The good thing about other people's kids is that sooner or later, they leave. You only deal with them temporarily.

Moving on, let me also point out that i like discipline in all its forms. Not in a sadistic, military manner but there IS a time and a place for everything. When it comes to the topic of this post, i strictly believe, and try to promote, a little bit of tough discipline in bringing up kids. I have only very limited experience, but from what i learned i'll preach that kids definitely need a tough hand.

Today i was mean to one of the nephews. He was throwing a temper tantrum, like a REAL tantrum with screaming and kicking and the works, so i carried him into a room, walked out and closed the door. I didn't lock him or anything but i left him alone. This particular toddler is barely two years old, he is not used to being left alone. In less than ten seconds he was opening the door from inside, still yelling and crying, but it wasn't such a drama.

I was told later that what i did was wrong. That leaving kids alone in a room could lead to nervous breakdowns and psychological damage. You know what i think? I think unruly kids DO suffer from some form of psychological damage. Kids who are used to getting what they want by crying and screaming louder and louder DO suffer some psychological damage. Kids who cannot listen to ten seconds worth of instructions DO suffer some psychological damage. Undisciplined kids are as bad as sick ones. They will never grow up to be stable members of society. I truly believe that, from the very beginning, kids ought to be taught that there are ways and means to get what they want out of life, screaming their throats out isn't one of them. Kids who do as they please, not listening to anyone, not scared of anyone, not caring, can never grow up to be responsible adolescents and adults.

I believe there are more important things to teach a toddler than giving them what they want. There is a bigger life lesson to be learned from the toy they don't get to play with than the few minutes of joy they will get from playing. Stable kids are healthy kids. And the only way to start shaping them is from the very beginning. In fact, i believe it is CRUEL to try and re-raise a 10 year old, altering all the methods used up till they were ten. Bring them up right the first time and you won't have to re-do it is what i want to tell almost every single parent i meet. As a matter of fact, i meet some almost-grown-ups and can tell exactly where the parents went wrong during their toddler years.

Days like today make me feel less guilty about minor cruelty, more glad i don't have kids of my own, and way more appreciative of my life as it is today.

taking credit

2010-01-05T15:16:00.002+02:00

You know what the best feeling in the world is? It's having the ability to influence someone. Especially when it is someone you really care about, almost as much as you care about yourself.

I have been "working" on my best friend for ages now. In the past year, she's changed so much, almost 180 degrees. I can't take credit for it all, but i can definitely take credit for a lot of it.

I've constantly tried to change her take on things. It all started with years ago telling her to stop worrying what to wish for so much because "God isn't out there to get you" and she took that in pretty well. Now she's wishing for and working towards everything, and i know she'll get it all.

I changed her taste in music, showing her that what she listens to has an implicit but overwhelming effect on her mood, and thus attitude and behavior. I was so proud to watch her sing along to my ipod a few days ago, refusing the bring-you-down music she not so long ago worshipped.

I changed her take on lifelong commitment, and she can see with my eyes now. They only person you're forced to commit to is yourself. Anyone else should either be an added benefit or should be gone.

I talked her through investing in herself. I demonstrated the difference between negative and positive energies. And how staying away from people who spread negative energy makes your whole life so much better. And how loving life will make life love you back. And how all that crap i practice and preach really works.

Today i saw the fruit of my labour. Just a few days back i pushed her in a certain career-related direction, and i think things are definitely going to work out. When you have most things in life going for you, its a sin to waste those that aren't. That's all what i've been trying to tell her (and others) for so long.

If you've got a good career, work on your appearance. If you've got good friends, work on family. If you've got money, do some charity and spread the wealth. If you've got free time, fill it up. If you have the time and capacity, travel travel travel. If you go shopping, get a book and read it. If you find God, share Him. If you're in a good relationship, embrace it. If you're in a bad relationship, ditch it. If you have it all, appreciate it. And i mean really appreciate it.

People "thank" God all the time but i can tell when at least half of them don't really mean it. Being thankful isn't about mouthing to words to anyone or even to yourself. Being thankful is all about being happy. Being thankful is quitting the blame on other people, our bad comes from within us, not from the outside. Being thankful means acknowledging both your good and your bad. I'll say it over and over, we're not perfect. We aren't meant to be perfect. But it's these imperfections that make us whole.

We go off track when we focus on one small detail of our life and forget everything else. Girls who are everyday stressing relationships and marriage never become their own person. They always live in someone else's shadow. Guys who are career oriented workaholics miss out on so much, always planning to make lost time up later on in life. There is no later on, some things are once in a lifetime. Both genders are constantly falling into the misapprehension that "things are good as they are." Things can always, always be better. And if you can't find room for improvement in your life, then who's fault is that? If you can find room for improvement and refuse to act upon it, you don't deserve an ounce of what you have.

Happy people are beautiful. Ambitious people get somewhere. Radiant people have influence. Take cues from everything around you don't close off yourself. When you want to be there for someone be there for them in your heart, body and soul. Half there is never good enough. We have so much time on our hands, there's enough time to do everything. Don't waste a moment being unhappy when you can be otherwise. Because negative energy drains you, and when you're drained there's nothing much you can accomplish. And that would be a waste of a beautiful life.

ps. This post is dedicated to someone, she knows who she is. May we always have the ability to influence each other so beautifully. It works both ways. xoxo

hidden talents

2010-01-03T16:04:00.002+02:00

Where I work we've got a pool of hidden talents. There's this group of twenty or so girls in support staff positions. A couple manage a photocopy center, some run a call center, others assist our staff in miscellaneous runs, some serve as assistants to IT personnel, and so on and so forth. The common thing is that their jobs basically require following directions. As long as they do exactly what they are told, they're in good standing. They're a tremendous help too; they save a lot of time with the trivial tasks they cover.

What I've noticed with some of them though, is that they are capable of doing so much more. Some of these girls have the brains to take on a lot more responsibility, in positions and departments where they might be able to build careers for themselves, not just occupy jobs. One in particular is always coming up with more efficient ways to do things. Another is constantly aware of every little details of her departments, which is more than i can say for most professionals these days. Seriously, you ask her about a stock of a specific item and on the spot she would answer with a detailed update, including dates and numbers. One of the girls who answers phone calls is so mart and organized she could manage the whole place's communication network. Anyway, you get the point: some of them are too talented to be where they are right now.

These talents are hidden, not from the public eye, but by cultural, social, educational, and even personal limitations.

Most of them want a decent paying job for a few years until they get married. Most of them have no higher education degree, and would never consider seeking one. Most of them work to gain financial independence from their parents, not to build careers. All of them have distasteful public images. In fact, i had to put them in uniforms to avoid costume-like outfits. Many of them are lazy and complain about too much work; they would love to show up to work everyday do what is minimally expected and leave. Taking initiative is not their strong point either. No matter how much we push them, some insist on believing that a routine work is the best way to go.

But underneath all this laziness, fear, lack of ambition, and so much more, there lay immense talent longing for nurturing. Most of these girls just need a push out the window just to believe they could fly. I promise to always keep trying to push, i just hope i don't push one that falls jobless flat on her face.

Pink Wishing

2010-01-01T19:37:00.002+02:00

Today we were talking new years' wishes, my best friend said, "I wish the world would be more green in 2010."

I subconsciously, and somewhat sarcastically, replied, "I wish the world would be more pink."

On the drive back she suddenly let out a weird little scream and said that either everything looked pink, or she was going crazy. We all looked around, and yes everything did look pink. Not just the sky but the reflection, the buildings, cars, the bridge, everything was like it was being viewed through a sheer pink screen. We sat amazed there for a few minutes just to take the pinkness in. It was beautiful.

I wished for more pink in 2010 and there it was.

I believe in these little, and sometimes huge, signs. I wished for more pink in 2010 and there it was.

It is so beautifully reassuring how sometimes the smallest, and biggest, of wishes comes true.

Gaming

2009-12-30T16:32:00.004+02:00

"The chase is better than the catch" or isn't it?

After a year like 2009, i'd definitely say that the chase is way better than the catch. We might not admit it- or maybe I might not admit it- but we're always chasing something. In most cases, the chase is long, exhausting, exciting, sometimes disappointing, but always, always rewarding in some sense.

In business, we chase targets. The lessons learned in that chase are the driving force behind any success. What we learn on the way is what we use to get even further ahead; not what we learn once we achieve what we set out to. For example, we had a "mission" at work this year, after many long months of planning, theorizing, spending, struggling, fighting, advocating, and all things exhausting, we lost. We could not achieve what we were set out to create. We didn't lose because we didn't try hard enough, we tried more than hard enough. But what we, or at least I, learned SO much. When i look back, i can confidently say that the gain from the chase almost weighed out that the loss from the (non) catch.

In life, we chase everything. Depending on you you are, the ride can definitely be as good as, if not better, than the destination. For example, a few months back my best friend and i were going to some out-of-the-way party (very unusual for us). We spent three hours in the car that night looking for the place we were supposed to be and never found it. At one point getting lost turned hilarious and the whole night was wasted laughing insanely in the car. Does that illustrate my point? I doubt we would have had as many laughs if we had made it. Or maybe we would have, i don't know, but the point here is the chase was good.

In relationships, do we really need to go over that? I'd have to hand it to Sophie Ellis Bextor's very wise lyrics, "Magic stays when myth remains" and leave it at that. Once the myth is unraveled, the magic dissolves.

Anyway, as always, these are just my thoughts and i have no idea where I'm going with this. I'm just trying to say enjoy the chase. It might be as good as it gets, and if that is so, a good chase is great.

Radiate like Serena

2009-12-29T11:03:00.004+02:00

I've never been a girly-girl, and i don't intend to change that. Through the years, family and friends constantly tried turning me into one. From makeup gifts, to closet suggestions, to attempted makeovers, none have ever succeeded.

Until recently.

Not a friend, nor even a real person for that matter, but the one person who's had an affect on me in that sense is non other than Gossip Girl's Serena Van Der Woodsen, aka Blake Lively. But my influence has been the Serena not the Blake.

Here are some of the things Serena taught me, just some.

White highlighting of the eyes is even prettier that black lining

A (very) low cut neckline doesn't have to look slutty

You can wear a dress pretty much anywhere

The form of a girl's hair is number one and ten. There is no such thing as a bad hair day; you wash it and start over

Spending a small fortune every week or so is more than worth it , even on already pretty hair

You wear the colors that suit you, not the colors you like

It's okay if you can't pull of daring lipstick; subtle colors are even prettier

Hair must shine

There is a right way to do layers; clothes are worn, not stacked

A genuine happy smile makes or breaks your whole look

... some illustration to my points. Even though i might never be as pretty or radiant as Serena Van Der Woodsen, I promise to always take direction

Feels like saving the world

2009-12-28T15:27:00.003+02:00

Some things DO make you feel so good, it feels like you're really saving the world :)

TURN IT UP and smile and laugh and think about all the great things in your life, about the things so good you can't stop smiling at, the things so great they make you feel like saving the world, think about saving your world

2010 will be better

2009-12-27T21:22:00.005+02:00

Normally i dislike year-end serenades, but 2009 was too loud to be ignored. It will for a long time be remembered as Year of the Crap. While the use of "crap" seems casual here, the word is handpicked (eww). But the point is, i call it crap because some of what 2009 threw at us was horrible, some was atrocious, but everything was survivable. It happened, it was bad, we moved on. A line from some pop song is stuck in my head, it goes "you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be," i'll take that as the theme to this post.

The Dirt:

Pain

Dealing with disease can be excruciating, especially when you're not the one in suffering. This year came in abundance of nursing. The hardest part of it is not the constant attention, but watching someone you love more than anything else in pain and not being able to do a thing. Nothing but time would make it better so you have to wait, and listen and comfort. And damn the year away under your breath.

Trust

We all chirp our lives away comfortably knowing that if we stumble, we have a wall to lean back against. When that wall proves itself see through to the point of non-existence, you fall flat on your ass. When you do fall, if you are me, you get back up. And then you curse the wall. You lose control and you condemn the wall that against a little weight turned into a crumbly corn flake. But it still called itself a wall. You learn not to trust the wall anymore, and not depend on it for leaning. What's a world with one less wall that 2009 took away?

Giving up

This was also the year of changing relationships. Or maybe the year of changing your attitude towards certain relationships. It is the year we threw our hands up in despair, succumbing to if people don't care about the consequences of their own actions, why should we? It is the year we watched disaster, and tried to stop it, couldn't, so then did nothing.

Want

Although begun before, 2009 was the year of solidified that we don't get everything we want. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, sometimes for reasons good enough, but also sometimes for reasons so good you can't help but to agree, and then to promote, and then to believe. But it will always be remembered as the year i stopped wanting what i wanted just because i couldn't have it.

Crisis

You cannot write even one sentence about 2009 without mentioning the escalation of the global financial crises. Let's just say that to the average person typing this, the crisis doesn't mean shit, except when you heard of your friend of got laid off because of the crisis. Or when a business deal you worked so hard to make real gets shut down because of the crisis. Or when after so many such incidents, it really becomes, to the bystander, a crisis; and then none of us are bystanders anymore.

Turbulence

With what started as a virus, the introduction of swine flu early on in the year was the start of a roller coaster than wouldn't end, halting every now and then. Most people just worried about catching the flu. Others (read: myself and my field of work) dreaded the virus not because it was fatal, but because every time it struck, the immediate future of our business became stalled. Ours was the only field that shut down and reopened and shut down and reopened again. Ours was the only field that could not decide on its schedule by itself; who had to wait for orders on whether to work or to wait while someone sneezed their way through a box of Tamiflu. It became frustrating only when you realized that those controlling you were no smarter or more organized than you were. They were in a mess, and made you stop your life and your livelihood while they figured the simplest way to get their ass out of their head.

Death

The most painful event of the wretched 2009. This year, death struck very close to home. So close you could draw the details of pain of loss it leaves behind. So real that you could feel the pain of tears in your head and in your heart. So sudden that you take a moment every moment to register what just happened. So sad that you don't want to write about it anymore. Because writing revives the memory of miserable days and nights that were never even forgotten for one day since.

The Flowers:

If after a year like this, you insist of being happy, you let go of absolutely everything but your optimism, you know 2010 will be better

If after a year like this, all the shitness that took place only proved your theories right, and friends who made fun of you now give you the right of having been right, you know you had your head in the right place and that 2010 will be better.

If after a year like this you have made peace with certain realities: like the inevitability of disease and death, the reliability of depending on yourself, the satisfaction that comes with trusting your instincts, even if you lose in the end, and the acceptance of how people change and change back (or not), you really should know that 2010 will be better.

In 2010 everything will be better.

Tales of Singledom, Chapter 57

2009-12-25T00:08:00.003+02:00

There's a someone for everyone, isn't there?

I was asked a very tough question today, what do i want? i was asked by more than one person, so i decided its definitely a question worth answering. I thought hard and came up with short but precise answers. I want someone thats mine. That's it. Someone who's fills up my head with good and bad thoughts and wonders and conversation reminisces and what if scenarios and where he is now and whether he'd like this or that.

Thinking about all this i was led to think about what i don't want. And why im single. And here are the reasons, personified. Let's go through all the guys that have ever been of remote involvement in my single life. Take it as a review, a look back on failures, or plain whiny noise from a perfectly healthy 24 year who (almost) has it all. It's a pretty short list so don't get excited.

1. The best friend who got to close: no explanation necessary as "best" and "friend" usually don't go well together. Also, i was very young and naive and more optimistic than ever. Now married.

2. The fantasy, who could've been mine given we were in a different place, as different people, and maybe i would've been a bit older. This is one was simplicity of perfection personified. Something that's so easy and comfortable yet fantastical all at the same time. Also now married

3. The weird duckling: seriously there's nothing to say about this one other than he was a useless occupation of airspace. The type that woke up to go to work two hours early to do nothing; i don't even know if there is such a type or if he was the only freak like that. don't get the wrong idea, this was one of the ones forced upon me.

4. The right guy at the wrong time: a clone of what i want. but i'll have to look for elsewhere; slightly unsure commitment-phobic sort of. Maybe in some other lifetime.

5. The great-for-one-night guy: who was so great then suddenly an inactive bore. This one was the right age, the right looks, the right friends, but very much the wrong person. Let's just say i dislike boring people and will exert no effort in attempt to liven them up.

6. The get-me-married freak. The one guy i ever met who's the exact opposite of a commitment phobic, who wanted to get married so fast you makes you run in the arms of singledom and refuse to let it up. there's so much to write about this one but i do still have minimal respect for privacy and would rather not diss anyone on the internet.

7. Finally, the big finale. The most recent in a short line, and the biggest surprise of all. He was perfect. Young, healthy, gorgeous, successful, good to talk to, funny, smart, insightful, gentleman, responsible, religious, well dressed, unique in his interests, which was a good break from the usuals we see. He's the kind to remember what exam you had and called later to ask how you did. The kind that was always more interested in your story than his (which is great for a self-centered chatterbox like myself). He was also the kind to make you feel pretty, and compliment both your looks and your brains. moving on, he was cultured. Flag: im pretty sure he's gay.

There you have it, the last one says it all. Perfect guys are, if not committed, gay.

No that's not true but now, tonight, that's what it seems like. It seems like im looking for something almost too easy to be found, that it has become rare. Im looking for someone to make me happy, just plain happy. Someone to make me smile that irresistible smile which my best friend's mom points out in two seconds and asks who im seeing.

hairspray happinness

2009-12-24T01:08:00.003+02:00

I bought wave-enhancing hairspray at Victoria's Secret this summer. Every time i use it it reminds me of the most amazing week of the entire crappy year. Its smell resembles the better life out there. The way it lifts my hair resembles the ways my spirit can be lifted.

i love things that remind you of things you love. I bought it on a really good day. We were out for breakfast at Jack and Jill's. I loved Jack and Jill's so much i never deleted its address from my phone's memo pad. sometimes i cling on the stupid things that make me happy.

Assassin too

2009-12-23T01:23:00.003+02:00

"i was a killer, was the best they'd ever seen

i'd steal you heart before you ever heard a thing

I'm an assassin and i had a job to do

Little did i know that girl was an assassin too"

I'm sorry Hossam

2009-12-21T19:49:00.003+02:00

This morning i was playing tennis, like every monday morning. there was a ball boy picking up my stray balls; just one more of the random boys whose face i can't put a name to. This one was Hossam; he looked about 11 or so. Cute kid, with an almost pretty face, the kind who drifts off in his own world and snaps back to reality at the call of his name.

Anyway Hossam was a cute kid but not the best ball boy. He was a bit slow in returning balls to my ever-energetic coach. At one point he was at the net with his back to me, and i was too caught up to notice him as i smashed a return ball across the net. It hit him in the back of his head. It smashed into his skull taking him by surprise. He put his hand on his head for three seconds then he went right back to work.

I, however, had started apologizing and could not stop. I kept repeating that i was sorry and if he was okay over and over again till my coach started laughing and blurted the words that inspired this post, "Mona, it's okay he's fine he can take it."

I feel like a rich, horrible, spoiled brat writing this. Why was he okay?! if it were me that was hit by that same ball i would've have screamed out in pain and given hell to whoever hit me. Hossam didn't though. it angered me that he seemed fine, almost used to getting hit in the head with a ball. Why should he endure the pain? or maybe it isn't painful to him.

i don't know im just very angry and confused. Im angry at myself for hurting a poor little kid and angry at the kid for not being more angry with me and angry at the world because im rich and can get away with anything and he's poor and has to shut up in order to keep his job.

it made me feel like getting injured and shutting up about it came with the job. Its bad enough that he's working for a living at this age. it's the humiliation of getting hit and that event passing by ever so 'normally' pisses me off. I could swear after seeing the ball collide with his skull i got a headache in the same spot on my own head. That made me feel like even more of a rich bitch.

the right kind of wrong

2009-12-19T23:55:00.003+02:00

This is another post about guys, if you don't want it, stop reading now.

We meet different guys all the time. and guys meet different girls too. we're all so unique. there are short guys tall guys skinny guys fat guys dumbass guys smart guys conceited guys intellectual guys hot guys dorky guys sleazy guys foreign guys, the list is endless. The choices are too many. But there are always the bad guys, you cannot overlook the bad guys.

Today i met one of the bad guys. He's the kind that's bad news from day one. He's the one that will only take you on a ride and leave you the middle of nowhere wondering how the fuck you got there. He's the kind that will give you one wrong glance, and it will seem very right. He's the kind that will follow you around subtly. Very subtly. He's the one that will surprise you with whatever comes out of his mouth, you never know what he'll say next. He's the kind that will ask you a question and you can't answer because you're mentally drooling over everything about him. He's the kind that will talk to you for five minutes then leave you with a smile plastered over your face for the rest of the day. He's the kind you can't wait to meet again but you know nothing good will come of meeting again. He's the kind that will be with a different girl every time you see him, each girl hotter than the one before. He's the kind that's everywhere but can never be found when you're looking for him. He's the one that'll make you feel glamorous, not pretty, glamorous. He's the one that will put you in long lasting emotional high.

He's the right kind of wrong. He's the very right kind of the very wrong

Stephanie

2009-12-18T00:28:00.002+02:00

Not many know Stephanie. Stephanie is a pseudonym

Stephanie is very special. She is the vision of happiness

She is the truth in every hard-to-resist smile. She is genuine purity of the content. She is content

Stephanie has the time of her life. Stephanie is only surrounded by happy people. Stephanie is grateful for everything she has.

Stephanie is ambitious. She knows that every bump on the road is a minor delay. She loves and lives for the road, not caring about the destination.

Stephanie is sunshine

Stephanie is loud laughter

Stephanie is all sunglasses and glossy hair

Stephanie is music and dancing in the car

Stephanie is music

Stephanie dreams big. She has ways and means.

Stephanie was almost lost. She keeps getting almost lost over and over again. But she also keeps getting found. She is found in the moments that faith starts to creep away. These moments are cruel. They threaten everything Stephanie lives to prove. When faith starts to fade away so does Stephanie. But there's always a relapse when Stephanie comes back into the heart beating and thrashing like the resistance that won't go away.

And thank God for that relapse. Thank God for the fighting soul of Stephanie that continues to fight, refuses to settle, and is always right.

Stephanie is for now and Stephanie is forever

opportunity cost

2009-12-08T17:57:00.004+02:00

Tonight a lot of my friends are going to some fashion show event. I was going. I am in the mood to dress up and talk to a lot of people. So it would have been perfect.

But i didn't go because i have class. Ironically, it's an economics class, so talk about opportunity cost. I chose to go back to school for a master's degree. I chose to be here and i love it. But on nights like this i can't help but to think why the hell i do what i do.

I've had a full day of work, a prolonged advising session, a research session, and now class. I want to go home shower and change and be pretty and go out.

Im not complaining but it's times like this that remind me that nothing comes free. We may want it all but we can't have it. We're lucky to have most of it though.

This is where the stuff we hear and read comes true, like "you gotta set your priorities straight."

I don't have much experience in anything, but this i can say out of experience: make your own choices and make sure you are at peace with them. Whatever it is we choose to do, we'll be missing out on something else. Make those choices so that what you're missing out on is less appealing than what you are doing.

moving homes and lives

2009-12-06T10:23:00.004+02:00

Ignited by family talks, thoughts of moving are filling up my head. I get exhausted at the simplest notion of emptying out a closet. Drawers are a mess on a completely different level.

Anyway, you get the picture of what i'm trying to say. This post isn't another whiny bitchy piece that revolves around me, for a change. But i do want to point out a fact: unless you're are moving homes around the some 20-kilometer radius, you are also moving lives.

Suppose that it does happen, one does move out of the ancient Heliopolis surroundings and into the vast desert. Where high walls separate sand from greenery. Where privacy is so private you don't know your neighbors' names. Where a trip to the supermarket is a car ride and no longer a pleasant three minute walk. Where there are accidents on the road due to heavy speed bumps and a few poorly lit kilometers. Where Zamalek is so far away from.

But some fresh air every morning would be nice. The trek back from work would be cut from an hour in heavy traffic to about a two minute walk.

But you then become new to everything. New surroundings take over your life. Like walking into the pharmacy and having to look at where they put the stuff you buy. Like ordering in pizza and having to give the delivery service a different address. Where the comfort of an entire city and its service are more than a few blocks away. It's not easy to become accustomed to everything so different when you are used to having everything so much the same. Introducing yourself to people who are supposed to have known you since you were a kid is strange.

four hard words

2009-12-05T23:51:00.004+02:00

Four of the hardest words to say are "i told you so"

Sometimes you see someone doing something so idiotic, and you warn them over and over and they don't listen. And you become a little bit selfish so badly wanting to prove yourself right. But when the shit hits the fan, you can't bring yourself to say those four words. You can only stand there and be there for them and try to shut up and just listen. Sometimes the hurt that would come from an "i told you so" is more than the satisfaction of saying it.

Anyway I'm just saying.

Before you tell someone your next "i told you so" think if it's really worth it to rub it in their face. And if their already sore face can take any more rubbing

avoiding the easy way out

2009-12-02T14:34:00.003+02:00

If you're as single as i am, you've probably thought about this a thousand times. How convenient would it be to have someone to go see the random movie with? someone who always has a minute for you, who's on speed dial that you actually use, that you can make three second calls to a hundred times a day. Someone who worries about you, just you.

Im blessed with wonderful friends and family who do all that. But they care love and worry about me amidst a whole tight circle of others. Their attention is not just mine.

Sometimes i entertain the thought of taking the easy way out. Just say yes to the random friend, aunt, friend's mother in law, neighbor's aunt who thinks she knows someone that would be a perfect match for me. We would both be from polite, well educated families. We would both spend summers on the coast. We would both work with our families and in the weekends join friends at expensive restaurants. We would both have had our share of traditional world travel. We would have a perfectly elegant engagement party then start planning for a traditional wedding the the Four Seasons Nile Plaza.

I entertain the thought for one day, max, then i barf at it. I know its disgusting to say barf but the thought itself is disgusting.

While venting all this out to a friend, he came up with a very important boost to my ego, "Mona, you have incredible positive energy, its very noticeable about you, don't lose that." Those might not have been the exact words, but the context was the same. And you know what? i DO have too much positive energy to waste that one someone who is just "convenient"

I believe in the dream, i want to fairy tale. And my biggest flaw probably is that i KNOW i WILL get the fairy tale. I just know. i have no idea how, when, or most importantly who, but it's all gonna come. Sometimes i get tired of waiting for it or seeking it. But my fairy tale is gonna be worth it.

I will have someone to share the world with. I don't like sharing but i will want to share. I'll have someone who wants travel with me. Who's so full of ambition, who's gonna be a star someday. I want someone who believes in me. Who believes in our youths and all what we could do with it. I am not planning to give up anything or substitute even an inch of the perfectness i want. I want someone so full of faults, so imperfectly perfect for me.

I'll get it i know, sometimes waiting is hard. But i believe in rewards. Even if i don't get it, im still growing beautifully and having a blast doing that. It's gotta be worth the interruption and i know it will be.

half of MY heart

2009-11-30T18:30:00.003+02:00

"Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation, half of my heart takes time"

I had a hard time choosing whether to post the lyrics or the song. Chose to post the song.

It automatically made it into my all-time favorites list

london calling

2009-11-30T15:00:00.003+02:00

This week i saw London with different eyes, in a whole new light, like i had never seen it before. Friends are truly the family you choose, and a trip with them is like nothing that can be written about. The laughs and memories are indescribable. The incidents shared will always be remembered in the heart, not in any text. The relationships that develop and transform on these trips are eternal.

The London i saw this time was so full of laughter it made your stomach hurt. So full of joy in made your eyes glow. And so full of loved ones you never wanted to leave their side.

Windy mornings and freezing nights only induced jokes, no longer cold misery. The crowded streets were like a maze. Getting dressed to go out was a happenstance in three rooms at once. The tube was a theme park ride all on its own, rush hour was unavoidable, and tracks and platforms were like science, then were like the alphabet.

But it was still so full of Arabs, you felt like you were in the Gulf. So expensive, the rich felt poor. So cold, your gloveless fingers would freeze. So wet, your new boots got soaked through.

But London called and we answered. We loved it and embraced each others' company and cherished our youth, in all its joy and glamour and blessing.

London this time around was like watching a movie in a different mood. You may not like the movie but you still came out laughing.

the kid in me

2009-11-24T01:12:00.002+02:00

You know how kids can seem so upset on minute, then they turn their attention elsewhere and the world is beautiful again? I'm that kid. I might be a full grown 24 year old working, semi self dependent adult, times like these i find myself a kid at heart.

I love traveling. It's one of the few things i want to do forever. I usually don't care where I'm going. I love planning, booking, packing. Okay i don't love packing, in fact it irritates me. But i always have a weird night before any trip. I get so tired of running around all day but when i finally get into bed, sleep is so far away it's not even worth the effort. My mind drifts to a million places.

First i think about where I'm going. That leads to little details of travel. i love an early airport ride. Cairo is still asleep in those quiet hours of morning. It's so calm it almost makes you not want to leave. I always check my alarm repeatedly to make sure i've got the correct time on the correct day. I love the hustle of an airport in contrast to the still sleepy city.

I love changing the time on my watch when i get somewhere. I love nice passport control officers. I love airports in general.

Godspeed to me then

no one likes anything

2009-11-22T23:53:00.003+02:00

Sometimes you try really hard to be cheerful, to have a good time, to see the best in everything. But most of these times there will be those who oppose you, bring you down and prove you wrong. You will struggle and put up a thousand fights and win them all, but then one small comment or gesture tears that all apart.

I am sick of this. We say in Arabic, "no one likes anything." Words couldn't be wiser than those. No matter what you do, someone will find some way to oppose it.

When people do bring you down, they do not think for one second about how much effort you're putting into everything. And how slowly your soul is getting drained trying to keep up with it all. They do not regard how their minor gesture will shake your well-being. I am sick of it all.

These people expedite your arrival at the conclusion that no matter what you do, you will never be good enough. So why don't we just stop doing? It'll be much easier for everyone. But we'd have turned hard, emotionless. But screw emotion. How far has it brought us? Is that really what they want me to be? Because i have no problem with it. But don't blame me later.

My mind is literally burning and aching here. I feel sorry that i have no where to put it except on this blog.

Have your ever felt like you didn't want to talk about anything? you don't want to explain yourself, you don't want to explain what's wrong. Sometimes i feel that it's much easier to be happy. Because getting upset means addressing all these issues that are upsetting you, and i don't want to do that. I am sick of making choices. I am sick of it all.

How can we be laughing one minute then someone gets you crying? I hate to cry. It hurts everywhere. It hurts in your heart and it stings your eyes. And the thing is, i have no idea what i am doing wrong. I feel as if im being constantly blamed for the actions of others. That is why i don't wish to associate myself with anyone anymore. I just want to be me, judged for my own actions and convictions; i can defend my own but no one else's. I don't want to defend anyone else's. There is no value to defense when everyone I've ever defended has let me down.

writer's block

2009-11-22T16:49:00.003+02:00

not that i consider myself a writer, but i definitely consider this phase a writer's block. I've been so busy i don't know what to write about. I couldn't care less how many hits this blog gets. I just want to get work done. Im so sick of being so busy, but i love it.

the worst feelings

2009-11-18T23:57:00.002+02:00

So I'm still in the mood for lists, here are some of the worst feelings in the world, just some

Losing a highly anticipated soccer game

Watching someone's dream crumble

Putting a dress on then taking it right back off

Taking pajamas off then putting them right back on

Asking for permission at this day and age

Hearing silence and knowing its stemming from disappointment

Pretending you don't care when you really do

Going to bed lonely

Feeling all that all at once

Realizing that even after everything that's gone wrong, everything else is still coming your way

it's just passion

2009-11-13T22:10:00.002+02:00

We Egyptians have excitement running in our blood. We get passionate so quickly and so intensely.

We love soccer. We support and defend our national team more than we do anything else. Before a critical game, the country is caught in a frenzy for weeks in advance. If you are reading this, there is an 80 percent chance you are Egyptian, so i won't explain further. Anyway it is something you feel, almost inexplainable.

This short post is inspired by a friend's bbm status, "it's just soccer." NO it's not. Soccer is Egyptian pride and passion. So this is Egyptian pride and passion.

The game against Algeria tomorrow is uniting Egyptians again in the way that only soccer can unite Egyptians. Without soccer, we all are strangers to one another. Groups and classes keep to themselves. We only mingle with a game. We more than mingle. We embrace each other, become one voice, identify with one another as supporters of the team, as the backbone of the stadium. It shames yet, yet somehow i am proud to say it, the only time i feel 100% Egyptian and 200% committed to Egypt is at a time of a game like tomorrow's. This is when i truly feel like singing to this blessed country and forever holding its name that is so deeply imprinted in soccer passion and pride.

Madonna, My Love

2009-11-13T12:20:00.002+02:00

If I were to create a list of 5 things i want to do before i die, seeing Madonna live in concert would definitely be on there.

There is a difference between a favorite artist and an artist you admire for absolutely everything that they are. Madonna defines that difference.

definitions

2009-11-08T22:39:00.002+02:00

Tired is when you buy a drink then forget to take it

Tired is applying shampoo instead of conditioner, twice

Desperate is almost crying when asking someone for something; at this day and age those eyes still well up with real tears

Nauseous is how a McDonald's vanilla milkshake will make you feel

Disciplined is getting there on time, even if you have to drive like a bat out of hell to do so

Terrified is when your run over a serious speed bump and your car goes a few feet up in the air

Relieved is landing back on the ground in one piece

Focused is what you are when you come up with the simple yet brilliant solution to an ongoing problem at work

Pride is what you feel in those five seconds of nodding in approval at the meeting where you came up with the genius idea

Frustration is when someone asks you if you feel like punching someone and you confidently answer with a yes

Anxiety is placing your phone on your lap and staring at it till it flashes

Forgetfulness is not wishing someone a happy birthday

Sadistic is barking at your cat for amusement

Busy is locking yourself in a room

Grateful is when love someone a bit more just because they did something for you

Hopeful is looking forward to a calmer tomorrow

Eventful is today

Serenity is keeping your mind in place after a day like today

The Way You Make Me Feel

2009-11-07T23:14:00.002+02:00

Just watched This Is It, so slightly under the influence.

MJ was so peaceful, and inspiringly genius. I could write endlessly about everything i feel for the him now. In my eyes MJ was a real hero, and always will be.

Here's my tiny tribute

Also, if i ever get married, this would totally be the first dance song!

Strike... 17?!

2009-11-05T09:11:00.002+02:00

The title is a joke, i know there are only three strikes in a ball game. Or is it only two in softball?

I can be such a foreigner-wannabe sometimes. Yesterday i headed out with our work staff team to play softball at expat town, also known as Victoria ball pitch in Maadi. Our team players really are team players and they spent a lot of time explaining the one million rules I'm expected to remember on the field. We had two games last night. Let's start with the first one.

I struck out. That was pretty much all i understood. The rest of it was a lot of running and watching and me catching the ball when i was told to; sometimes succeeding, but most of the time just trying really hard. Some people are naturally good at all sports, I'm definitely not one of them. Im humble enough to admit that it takes me practice to become good, sometimes a lot of practice. It's just a bit sad when you're playing for the fun of it and others are taking it very seriously. I would be frustrated if the tables were turned.

After we lost terribly, we found out our opponents were American military. WTF?! They were flown in from their base in Bahrain for this tournament. WTF?! They were trained even in the post-game handshake, going around doing a fancy up/down slap with each other. WTF?! After the game i was messaging several friends who knew i was playing, and surprisingly many had the same question after finding out about the military face-off, "Who won?!" It killed a part of my ailing pride every time i had to wittily answer that.

adrenaline high

2009-11-02T19:57:00.002+02:00

So much energy, so little time!!

Do you ever get the feeling like you wanna do it ALL? Seriously, like you want to try anything and everything and it drives you crazy when you have fifteen minutes of free time?

I've been like that for the past few weeks

I want to DO stuff, i dread sitting around wasting time. Take today for example. The day started on the tennis court, so you know it's gotta be a good day, right?

Then i went to work. And on days like this, the smallest things excite me. I had bought a new coffee machine, you know the traditional ones that actually keep your coffee hot and have no fancy foam pipes and all that unnecessary crap. It made my day to hook it up and use it today. I even kept calling people in to take a sniff in my office coz the fresh coffee made it smell so damn good!

We had a snooooze-y meeting today, contract reviews, ewww. Except today i was so hyped it wasn't snoooze-y at all! i actually got pretty excited and passionate about rental costs and whatnot.

Then i played ball! As in baseball. Something i hadn't done since Mr. Yarndely's grade eight Phys Ed class. I sucked but it was awesome! The weather was pretty intense, setting a dramatic game atmosphere.

I should be tired, except I'm not! i have an economics midterm tomorrow, just finished gathering my notes and ready to hit the books.

Anyway, the point is, i LOVE DOING STUFF! It's like a snowball that gets rolling and you just can't stop it, and you don't want to stop it. We're young and smart and pretty and healthy and fortunate in every way. Why anyone would want to waste all the energy is beyond me.

I don't get people who mope around home all day. Nor people who mope around the office all day.

In a few years, I'm not going to be able to play, work, play, write, study, drive, etc all in one day. So i might as well love it now, and be grateful enough to acknowledge this adrenaline high, even if it's only on this blog.

Winter means

2009-11-01T13:20:00.006+02:00

Winter means:

1. cold feet, in more ways than one

2. slamming doors, wind induced

3. weird sounds outside that you think is rain, turns out to be just fierce wind

4. having to pee every 10 minutes which is unfavorable because of

5. cold toilet seats

6. a jacket/scarf permanently left on the car backseat 'just in case' (of course it is always left behind when you actually need it)

7. coffee going cold if not consumed within 5 minutes of pouring

8. hating to step outside office. while our semi-outdoor hallways are pretty, they are a threat of mild pneumonia if too much time is spent in them

9. chapped lips

10. setting the alarm half an hour earlier, time it takes to drag self out of bed

11. boots! finally...

12. permanent hunger

13. couch potato, movie marathon lifestyle

14. pretty dresses, tights, and boots when above gets boring

15. healthy hair

16. Christmas, whether you celebrate it or not. My favorite part of this being Wham's Last Christmas and Mariah's All I Want for Christmas

17. looking forward to summer

I'll Never Forget You

2009-10-31T23:39:00.002+02:00

This has been my song-on-repeat for the past week. It reminds me of something i recently read, "i listen to this music and it makes my heart smile."

I love it all, her voice, their performance, the lyrics, everything.

"Don't you know that you're my joy, always remember me"

they say

2009-10-31T14:26:00.002+02:00

they say:"you never know"

i say: no, you know what? sometimes you do know. and stop using "you never know" as an excuse coz it's just not an excuse. It's not an excuse to believe something that is so far from true it's almost a joke. It's not an excuse you can use to explain why people did what they did or said what they said or say what they say. It's not an excuse to continue prying into what's not for you to pry into. sometimes you do know. and if you think about it, most of the time you do know and you just say you never know to avoid the unfavorable.

i am sick of knowing. i know too much about too many people and i understand some people just too much. and sometimes i feel like i wish i knew nothing. i wish i knew nothing.

they say: "it's not right but it's okay"

i say: no, sometimes it is not okay, not okay at all

crisis mismanagement

2009-10-27T22:58:00.004+02:00

Why is it that we love the chance locate, aim, and bark at targets?

When two trains crash into each other, SO many other people are responsible before the big guy on top of the chain of command. Most people who've voiced their opinion so far were requesting the resignation of the Minister of Transportation; i hope they're satisfied now that he's resigned.

The way i see it is this: people appointed to high rank posts are not put there just to make sure the wheel is spinning in the way it should spin. They are there to smoothen the surface on which the wheel is running. They can only do their their best when the surface is not smooth. In real words, ministers are not merely supervisors of an already working system. They are supposed to be the correctors of glitches in the system. A tragic train crash is a major glitch in the system. Therefore, when something like that does happen, the minister should not be pushed to resigning. Him and his whole ministry should be up to their faces in the dirt trying to fix things.

It's the easiest thing in the world to make mistakes and have someone else fix them. I'm not implying the minister is right or wrong here; but we will never find out if he was capable of the job if he isn't given a chance to fix it. The best leaders emerge from problem solving, not from sitting at the sidelines dictating. Be it the transportation minister or any high ranking, low ranking, government, or private employee, people succeed with what they accomplish and their crisis management for crying out loud.

Everyone is normal until they do something extraordinary that makes them stand out, then they do another thing that's extraordinary and that makes them great. Then they do one bad thing (or in this case, they don't do a bad thing but a bad thing happens on their watch) and everyone forgets any good things they've done.

Huffing and Puffing

2009-10-26T18:32:00.007+02:00

This week has been one crappy, exhausting day followed by another, and it's only Monday. Anyway, the point of this story is, i was venting to a friend today about how irritated i was and he suggested that i "go out for a smoke." The idea at the time it was proposed seemed almost too tempting. I'm not a smoker but a cigarette, or two or three, would've been the perfect cure for my ailing soul.

Luckily i work at a beautiful setting that almost feels like a mini-break destination on most days. The air is fresh, the scenery is green, and the landscaping is calming. So as soon as i stepped outside i cringed at myself for even entertaining the idea of smoking.

You see, i think smoking is disgusting. It is also unhealthy and blah blah but i don't care much for that. We keep a hundred unhealthy habits so smoking would only be a hundred and one. But it is disgusting in so many other ways. Smell, first and foremost. It is irritating that as a people, Egyptians could be quite negligent of pleasant smells. Smoker don't even notice that they stink most of the time. Seriously no amount of perfume or gum will take out the stink of burnt tobacco. I wouldn't want to walk around like that. I would hate to have the permanent stain of tobacco odor on my clothes. We don't go out dressed in dirty clothes yet we accept being covered in dirty smell.

Smokers cannot function without the pack: they come in a package of person plus box. They're always looking for a lighter, asking for one, or refusing to share one. Smoking starts to control their actions and soon becomes just irritating to everyone else around. For fuck's sake if you forget your pack in the car move your ass and go get it i hate to listen to whining about forgotten packs.

My least favorite is when I'm on the phone with a smoker and they have to stop to huff and puff in mid-sentence. Seriously it annoys the hell out of me because i get confused as to why their suddenly not speaking anymore then i hear the exhale of poison fumes.

Most Girls

2009-10-25T09:35:00.002+02:00

"Shorty got a job shorty got a car

Shorty can pay her own rent

don't wanna dance if it is not in my heart"

"Most girls want a man with the mean green

don't wanna dance if he can't be

everything that i dream of"

-- Pink

postsecret realities

2009-10-24T21:39:00.003+02:00

a while back i was introduced to PostSecret. If you don't know it, it's "an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a postcard." It's not my story to tell so follow it on http://postsecret.blogspot.com

every once in a while i find a postcard i like or can relate to. I steal the pictures of the blog and save them. i go back and look at them when i need to be reminded of something.

beggin, beggin u

2009-10-21T22:16:00.002+02:00

I don't like to 'hate' but for lack a of a better description, i hate the overcrowded, heavily polluted, permanently jammed, repulsively loud, uncomfortably crammed, and uncontrollably irritating corner of Cairo that is Mohandessin. Never ever has my trip there been a good experience.

Today i took a moment to absorb the atmosphere and try to make something of it. I challenged myself to like something. However i was distracted; distracted by the incessant knocking against my car window by women who all look the same trying to sell tissues that all look the same. And out of the car there were older men who also looked the same bluntly asking for money. Now i was frustrated because something very unusual happened today: i left home without my wallet. I literally did not have any money to give them. Beggars popping out on the street filled my pool of thought all the way home.

Beggars are beggars, doesn't matter where they are. Although i dislike the trend, there is one crucial fact that cannot be overlooked: they are poor, i am rich. They are begging to make a living while i glorify my pride. That's that, there is no other way around it. We can make up a million excuses that will keep us from sparing them change, insert the likes of 'teach a man to fish' here. We might not owe them, but we owe humanity the change we give them. I can be honest with myself and admit that no time in the near future am i donating any of my precious spare time to help those in need or to make Cairo a better place. Therefore, i will donate my few pounds or so to the man 40 years my senior asking me for it at a building entrance.

I had another interesting thought that i am now completely convinced of: these beggars are God's small tests to us. He sends them to us everyday to see how we treat them. I am one of those firm believers in the wealth we have not being ours. God gave it and God can take it away. I believe that as long as we are generous in giving it away and sharing it, He will not take it away. The moment we start to become selfish, hoarding all our cash to pay for our every need and want, God will remind us to share. When a beggar approaches, they are not asking for a small fortune, most of the time they are very pleased with a few pounds. I have no idea why we would feel the urge to turn them away. Even if it is an act, who cares? i still feel guilty for being richer than they are and refusing meager help.

I am regretting every beggar i ever turned away, or even worse, every little lie of "i don't have any money" that i told. Today i really had no money and i wanted to give them each a little something. It might not make their lives any better but at least it will pay some for their hours of wandering in sagging, dirty clothes while i sit comfortably in my car with my ipod pleasantly on shuffle.

for love of the game

2009-10-20T09:21:00.002+02:00

Last night i finally hit the tennis courts again. Bliss, sweaty, tiring, bliss. Im no pro but i really do lose myself in the game. I adore my coach. And for exactly one hour, it's just us and the ball and the swinging and hitting.

People have different indulgences, like fishing or golf or something gay like that. I see sports in general as an indispensable release of energy. No wonder an adrenaline rush feels so great. But tennis, especially where i play, is so much more than a game, energy release, adrenaline source, or even exercise. It is a passion, it a moment when all i care about in life ca be defined so closely as the ball landing on the inside of the line after a smash that sends it like a bullet.

But this point isn't about my tennis skills, it's about my tennis pride and dreams. I happened to have the time slot right after my dad and his friends' game. My dad is so awesome in his consistency and commitment to the game through the years. So just as they were finishing up, i was warming up. I hadn't played in over three months but the will to impress gave my skill a boost. He sat court-side and watched me play. I wanted to impress him so bad; especially that the tennis courts at the club are our home away from home and everyone knows everyone. Everyone watching or playing knew who he was and knew that i was his daughter.

For the time he was watching, i really gave a 110% of myself. I was tired as hell, having been a lazy ass for a while, but it was worth it. It was more than worth it when i played a really good few shots, scoring a few against my coach, and my dad actually cheered out and called my name and called great play. I tell you it felt like graduation, like a championship, like winning race, like something that makes you so damn proud.

I didn't even care that my wrist was badly strained, my shoulders hurt and my arms feel like spaghetti now.

I have many dreams, many of them simple, all of them huge. I dream to become my dad's tennis partner. I strive to train to be at his level. I want to compete against others alongside him and beat their asses on the court.

Ego Restoration

2009-10-18T09:45:00.002+02:00

I don't know who to blame it on: myself, our society, my parents, my schooling, or just basic socialization, but i have a giant size ego. Mega-ego. Most days it is subtle, and only those who really know me know of it.

I like having such an ego, i think it's a good thing. I don't mean ego as in mere overconfidence, but in knowing your worth. Self awareness of value. High self esteem. There are a dozen things i can call it but ego fits best.

Now sometimes things happen that bruise our egos. These things might not necessarily be a burst in a balloon, but they are bruises. It makes me question my self value. For a while i had thought that maybe i gave myself too much credit. Maybe I'm not all that great. Maybe I con myself into thinking i am what i am not. Not true; in fact it proved to be very very wrong.

I'll tell you one more thing, the biggest hurt is a hurt to my ego.

You can run me over physically, psychologically, emotionally, it won't matter half as much as a blow to my self image. That makes me question my own honesty, not anyone else's. I grew up with a divine father who taught me all we are is what we create of ourselves. Now when that image of ourselves is scratched, the whole world turns upside down. And turning it back takes a hell load of effort, because you have to build yourself again.

So while i worked hard to make something of myself again, i was oblivious to changes around me. I was so caught up in "Mona" and what mona is and what mona wants to be that i noticed the changing mona but didn't notice the changing world. Picture this, if you're in a race running alongside competitors, you can compare your progresses. But if you isolate you efforts, you might just run so ahead of everyone else in the world, completely exhausting yourself, while you could've done just fine with half the effort.

When you take a moment just to look at how the world's been since, and you find yourself more ahead than you thought you were, this is a great moment. This is the moment of Ego Restoration. When you realize everything you've made of yourself is so true, so real, and not even the slightest exaggerations exist. It is when you get your ego back, and realize that your ego was the biggest thing you ever lost, and you vow to never lose it or allow it to be bruised again.