selfish love

we're all selfish, in one way or another. the worst of us deny it and the best of us admit it. And in being selfish, we tend to love ourselves most. My love for ME is and will always be greater than my love for anyone else.

Sometimes we forget though. We forget about loving ourselves. We treat our bodies and souls cruelly, we don;t give them the attention they need. We don't give our mind a break, we don't let it rest. We occupy our minds with the well-being and the happiness of others, and in doing so, neglecting our own well-being.

In what I'm going to call wake up calls to the self, we are reminded of that selfish love. Something happens that reminds them no matter how much we care for others, we care for ourselves more. We get these wake up calls from a person, a place, an incident, it doesn't matter we just get them. When you look at your face and find it pale, or when someone looks at you in a way you don't like, you are reminded how much you love yourself and will not have it ill-treated. You feel sorry for yourself and want to apologize. You don't know how to make it up to YOU.

here's my apology

i promise myself that i will not leave my hair unruly, unhealthy

i promise myself that i will not let my face get so pale

i promise myself that i will not drink enough caffeine to drown my soul

i promise myself that i will not let anyone blame me for something i haven't done

i promise myself that i will not let anyone get away with even looking at me wrong

i promise myself that i will not swallow painkillers like candy

i promise myself enough fresh air

i promise myself to forgive others, but never forget

i promise myself my own, selfish love, that is mine and no one else's

the Fury

In arabic we have a say that goes "fend the malevolence of the meek if [he is] angry."

If you've read James Frey's A Million Little Pieces, you'll know what i mean when i write about "the fury."

The fury is the anger that arises from deep within the self, it is that uncontrollable anger, resentment, and extreme need for vengeance. The fury takes over your mind first, then your heart and soul then your whole being. It keeps you from thinking straight, clouding over your mind like a dark cloud before rain. Then the rain comes and it is a mix of bitter emotion and more anger and more and more anger.

The fury is, above all, an unstoppable need.

When ignited by someone or something the fury must be addressed. Sometimes a row of cursing will send the fury away. Sometimes smashing something or snapping at someone ever so harshly will calm it down. But other times, the fury doesn't away.

Bear with my metaphor, the fury becomes so hot inside you that it burns you. It keeps burning and burning till you get used to it. And you go numb from the heat rather than from cold. The fury numbs you, and the cruelest comeback is from a numb fury. It makes you heartless. Your need for revenge exceeds your need to breathe.

Shauna-me up

It can be tough for someone like me to find an idol. I'm not being arrogant, not at all. But i tend to see faults in people first. Now some people have what i call desirable faults, it makes me want to be them.

Of course, most of my idols are fictional. Real people aren't perfect enough.

Currently at the top of my list of fictional idols is Shauna Roberts, played by the awesome Debi Mazar, is a star publicist on my favorite show, Entourage.

Shauna works with men all the time. She gets along with them and finds them easier to understand, which is my own assumption, just like me. She has one female assistant which she drives up the wall with abuse. Shauna isn't a she-male, she is very much a woman. She has a smart mouth and is so not scared to used it, even with the hottest of hot shots in the business.

Shauna is concise, she doesn't chat uncontrollably like women in the workplace. She has the awesomest east coast accent, "I'm your west coast motha," she tells her star client. She's got no problem telling big guys to go fuck themselves when they do something she doesn't like.

But none of the above is my favorite thing about Shauna.

My favorite thing about Shauna is that she throws her toughness and smart mouth around not because she's rich, powerful, well connected or has any such privilege, she is simply amazing at what she does. She does her job better than anyone, so no one's got anything on her. That's her liability. She is not dependent on anyone or anything other than her brains and skills. Even though she is rich, powerful and well connected, that's not what she "uses."

When I watch Shauna I want to BE Shauna. I don't want to act like her or do what she does, I want to be that person. She's full of faults. Her language is offensive every other sentence, she is sometimes treated like one of the guys rather than as a lady, she abuses the hell out of her assistant, but the end result is that she makes someone like me wishing they could be someone like her.

big girls don't cry

i think i finally understand the reasoning behind "big girls don't cry."

Big girls don't cry because they have learned that crying doesn't fix anything. Girls, by the time we're old enough, understand that situations need to be fixed, not cried over. Crying doesn't fix. As we grow older, some of us learn that crying doesn't make you feel better either. Therefore, crying doesn't fix. As babies and toddlers our tears could get us what we want but the older we get the more meaningless our tears become. We end up with a headache and a pale face. And the same problem we began with.

Crying derives sympathy. And i hate sympathy. Give me empathy if you must, but never sympathy. and crying gives sympathy. and that's why big girls don't cry, because they don't want sympathy.

Big girls don't cry because they don't have time to

Big girls don't cry because when there is a situation that calls for crying, it is much better suited to exert energy resolving, rather than tearing up

Big girls don't cry because by the time they're big, they've cried all their tears and they have no more

Big girls don't cry because it's pathetic, weak and senseless

Big girls don't cry because crying is a waste of precious time

Big girls don't cry because they'd much rather laugh.

Tetris truths

In the past few weeks i've taken up an addictive habit: Tetris. Yes, that old game so popular on Gameboys. And when you do something for so long, it consumes you. as i play, my mind becomes part of the game, and i see it as more than just a game. i see symbols, metaphors, examples and even advice. I'm not making this up, and i haven't gone crazy either, bear with me.

Tetris, in so many ways, resembles life decisions and overall turnout. When you make poor decisions in Tetris, like placing a block two spaces away from where you should have placed it, missing opportunities to create rows, and so on, you obstruct your overall score from increasing. Or sometimes you're concentrating and luck is slightly on your side and the blocks you keep getting fit well together and your score keeps getting higher and higher as rows keep vanishing and never accumulating.

Eventually, you end the game with a pretty low score, or at least much lower than it could have been: and that is exactly life as i see it. Decision we take, especially those early on, affect the outcome of your whole being.

My favorite example is education. From the type of school you attend to your university years, if you happen to go to school or university at all, but let's assume that everyone does. What you choose to study at university, how well you perform, how much passion you have for what you do, all of these are the factors that resemble Tetris blocks and how you place them. Those university years could push you forward or hold you back.

But it's not just limited to education, it's every single decision you take. From what to wear to an interview, to the friends you keep, to the life partner you choose, to even something as simple as how you drive. Everything you do, everything we do, is another block on our Tetris board. How we contribute to rows vanishing and scores increasing is defined by how we co-manage all of what we have and all of what we are.

trusting the doc

Due to current health issues, some of my posts will have a medical twist. Endure it and take everything i say as advice.

A few days ago i looked at one of our doctors and said to my brother, "He's my hero!" and i meant it in all essence of the word. Forget superman and batman, doctors are our most prominent heroes. They are the ones we turn to and rely on completely. Their words become almost holy to us. We ask their opinion and advice before making the slightest turn. And when they dispense that advice, we follow it to the letter.

Having that one specific doctor that you trust with your life is irreplaceable. Having him stand right there is security. Listening to his orders is trust.

It is at these times that we realize what a true hero is. He is not a fantastical character that dresses up in bright spandex. He does not make a dash and appear out of nowhere when you press a button, for sometimes you have to call several times while he's asleep or in surgery or something until you get a call back.

His superpowers include instant comforting. You become more open to everything, less hesitant, and uplifted when he's around. Just by being him, he makes you be more, want more, and do more. You want to get better to please him. You want his opinions to be correct. And you would not move an inch without his blessing. When he visits he is a doctor and a friend and a hero all in one. His visits become a treat. You anticipate them and make use of every single minute. When he leaves you don't want him to go.

Trust then becomes the most important characteristic of heroism. For that is a hero: someone who you can throw yourself at and blindly know you'll be taken care of. Someone who you trust more than you trust yourself.

hiatus

i've been gone. i've missed me on this blog, even if you haven't.

things haven't been stable on the home front, lots of health issues to deal with, that's why i haven't been here. i don't want to go into details because it's been tough and i need a mental escape. So this is my mental escape.

coming back here i feel like i have so much to say, but trying to type it out yields a big blank.

here are a few thoughts and observations from the past couple of weeks. i hope you find them interesting, coz i don't

i want to go to nursing school

a hospital is no place for kids

egyptians abuse elevators. abuuuuse

faith in God is faith, religion comes after

the strong smell of menthol will clear up the worst of sinus blocks

wireless internet is taken for granted

good morning coffee is irreplaceable

a good doctor is my hero. forget superman

i know it's a crappy post, but it's a start till i get back on track