mild confessions

I created this blog for several reasons. among them, because i need somewhere to write and maybe every once in a while get feedback. another, because a friend encouraged me to. a third, because i like to share my thoughts no matter how useless they might seem to others.

the third reason is what i want to write about tonight. sharing.

a good friend, fellow blogger, and constant source of inspiration brought a question to my attention: how much sharing is not too much sharing?

just so you know, nothing i write on here is pre-planned. i open up the site, i choose "new post" and i start to write what's on my mind. i don't make notes i don't keep track of topics. sometimes i want to open up a blank page and pour my heart out.

It might make this blog more interesting. i definitely know there's more to me than what goes on here. but to what extent is it okay to 'publish' exactly what I'm thinking, what I've been through, what I'm going through, what I'm scared of, what and who I'm hurt by, how vulnerable i can be, how cruel i can be?

for instance, last week someone told me i was heartless. they were serious. i won't say who and i won't say why they said it. a few days later, someone else told me i was 'gabara' and they too were serious. both people are very close to me they've known me since i was a baby and they know me inside out.

a few weeks before that someone also very close to me listened and comforted as i cried my eyes out. i spoke and i cried until i had a headache and my hands were shaking. doesn't make me very heartless does it?

most everyone else does not know either of those sides of me. how okay would it be to bring it out? through this blog?

i let people take me for granted and willingly accept them under my good graces. i take others for granted and demand to be in their good grace. i am mean to some and angelic to others. but do you really know all that? would you believe it if you haven't experienced it?

I could write stories and stories with myself as the star. and they wouldn't be boring too, i know. but how do i do that? how do i do that without revealing my soul to you?

i want to tell it all. i want to tell it because my readers, if i have any other than the few loyal friends and followers, are anonymous. I'm not Christian but it would be like going to confession. I like that because it's like talking to someone you don't know and can't see but you know they're listening.

I want to tell you about what some people have done to me and what i've done to them. i want to tell you what i think of this country. i want to describe the perfect life as i see it. i want to tell you what i think about marriage and commitment. i want to describe the perfect man. i want to tell you about what i think of friendship. i want to tell you what i think of brotherhood (yes I'm a girl but its still called brotherhood). i want to tell you about my parents. i want to tell you everything as it is.

i don't want to censor anymore.

but i am sorry, for now i will keep on censoring. but i promise and swear everything i write here is true. it might not be complete but it's true.